The WHITE TOWER Centre of Knowledge - Great moments in Warhammer history

Welcome to Great Moments in Warhammer History, this randomly produced series aims to tell people the real truth about events that have happened in the colorful history of the Warhammer world. Using the latest in time travel techniques, we have crossed the world recording things as they happened. If you have a moment that you would like researched, or research of your own which would fit under the Great Moments in Warhammer History banner, don't hesitate to contact me.

The Sundering

This is a terrible moment in time, when a faction of the elves left there Home of Ulthuan and joined the forces of chaos. After setting our time machines, this is what we uncovered. [Scene, Croquet Match on the Pheonix Kings Estate]

[Pheonix King] Good Shot Malekith, you haven't lost any of your form.

[Malekith] Thanks PK, i've been practising when I've had the chance.

[PK] It shows too.

[M] Well, its your go now.

[PK Heads over to his ball, aims for the next hoop, and fires. He misses the hoop, but only slightly. He turns around, and notices that Malekith wasn't paying attention]

[PK] Well, chalk up another for me. You may be getting better, but I still have you beat.

[M] You Missed!!

[PK] Did not, it went straight through the middle.

[M] I saw you, you missed, and now your trying to cheat!

[PK] Am not!

[M] Are too, how can you explain the ball ending up in the pond over there?

[PK] It rolled

[M] Liar

[PK] Am not!

[M] Are too!

[PK] Am Not!

[M] Are too!

[PK] Am not! Am Not! Am Not!

[M] Are too, Are too, Are too

[PK places hands over his ears] I'm not listening to you!

[M] Hah, you can't accept I'm better than you

[PK] Well, get out of my house then!!!

[M] Fine, I'm taking my ball and going home!

[PK] and don't come back!

[M] Ok Bigears

[PK] Bigears!! Right, I'm sending my armies after you.

[M] You won't have to, me and all my friends are leaving and we're never coming back

[PK] Good, and stay out!!

[M] Fine!

[Malekith leaves the gardens, and then settles the lands of Naggaroth with other people of the same inclination.]

[Later That year]

[Malekith] Right, were here now, were going to need a army!!

[Elros] Ok, why don't we just use the soldiers that came with us?

[M] No thats boring, we don't want to be like them, they're weak!

[Aldrean] So where not going to have anything that we used to??

[E] No Silver Helms??

[M] Nope

[A] No Dragon Princes??

[M] They are a joke, they don't have dragons to ride, so nope

[E] No Charioteers??

[M] Do you really want to wear a headdress like that??

[E] Good Point

[A] No Bolt Throwers even??

[M] We may keep the bolt throwers...

[A] They are really powerful

[M] Ok, but I think I'm going to limit them??

[A] Why??

[M] Because I don't want to be like the wimps on Ulthuan

[E] Ok, well I've got to go now, so can we meet again next week??

[M] Ok, we need ideas what to put in the army now.

[A] Maybe some of those lizard things?

[M] Tell me next week, I've run out of paper.

[And So Elros and Aldrean leave, and Malekith files the notes away under 'A' for army.]

The Beginning of a Legend

Everyone knows of Nagash, that evil stare, that stupid smile, that black armour of his. What we don't know much about is the early years of this demi-god. So, using our powers, we are bringing it to you.

[The scene is Khemri, in the land of Nehekhara, the land that is going to become the land of the dead. The year is -1968 on the Imperial Calender, and a group of Dark Elves are in the city, and a younger, more alive Nagash is learning the secrets of there dark sorceries.]

[Nagash] So, you twist your hand like this, and the spell is complete??

[Dark Elf Sorcerer] Exactly.

[Nagash twists his hand like this, and chicken appears in front of him]

[N] A Chicken!!! All that effort and I summon a Chicken???

[DES] Yes Man, you must start small before you get big.

[N] Ok, watch this then

[Nagash utters a few words, and a red beam shoots out from one eye, striking the chicken and sending pieces of it around the room]

[N] Ha! Check that one out!

[DAS opens up his spellbook]

[DAS] What was that, should be in here somewhere!

[DAS] Arnie's Black Horror? Nope

[DAS] Witchflight?? Nope

[DAS] Blade Wind??? Nope

[DAS] Well, how did you do that??

[N] It was easy I just used what you taught me, and twisted it around a bit

[N] oh yeah, and I read your spellbook last night. Nice, but not what I'm looking for.

[DAS] YOU LOOKED IN MY SPELLBOOK??

[N] Yeah, so what??

[DAS] Prepare to die, man!

[N] Not this day, pointy eared git

[Nagash repeats the spell he said, and kills the Sorcerer standing in front of him.]

[N] Damn, i gotta get that working out of both eyes.

[N] Guards, get the rest of those elves, and place them in the Great Tomb!

[N] Oh well, lets look and see if he has any spells to make me live longer.

[Nagash reaches over and takes the spellbook out of the Dark Elves hand, and starts reading it]

[N] hey, this looks good, "Arnizapal's Black Horror" maybe I can change it??

[Nagash continues to read the book, commenting frequently and taking notes]

Well, as we can see, maybe the world would be a better place had the Dark Elf made him summon up something other than a chicken.

A Change

This moment may not be "great" but it certainly is important, this is also a very recent event.

[The scene is Altdorf, in the Emperors Throne Room. It is only a few months ago, and Karl Franz is doing whatever Emperors do in their throne rooms]

[Karl Franz] Ho Hum.

[Suddenly there is a Crash, as the Supreme Patriach of Magic bursts through the door. The Knights guarding the throne room all leap up with swords drawn, but when they see who it is, they settle themselves.]

[Supreme Patriach] I must speak with you urgently Emperor!

[KF] Relax, of course you can speak.

[SP] I bring bad news from the Colleges of Magic!!

[KF] What is it this time?? Some Bright College Acolyte accidently set fire to the building again?? Servents, fetch my checkbook!

[SP] No, not that.

[KF] Well, after last month, I hope not. Well, has some Jade wizard cast the Spiral Stair, but can't get back down?

[SP] No sire, much much worse

[KF] Well, tell me then!!

[SP] Theres no more magic!!!!!

[KF] What do you mean theres no more magic???

[SP] Its gone!!!! Nothing, Zero, Zilch!!

[KF] Explain yourself!!

[SP] Well, I woke up this morning, as usual, and I was going to cast a piercing bolts of burning, to heat up my kettle, when it wouldn't work.

[SP] So I went and tried some other spells, but none of them worked either!!

[SP] I rushed outside and bumped into the head of the Celestial College, and he said he was coming to see me, as he couldn't cast any spells either.

[SP] So we gathered everyone together, and one by one, we tested all the mages from all the colleges. Not one spells works, it's if all the colors are gone!!

[KF] Gone?? They can't be gone. You just don't "lose" magic!

[SP] It appears we have. We also tested a Ice Mage that was visiting from Kislev, and she can't cast either.

[KF] So we have no magic?? What about Magic Items??

[SP] They seem to be working still, although some seem to be acting weird.

[KF] So we have no magic?? Are you sure??

[SP] Yes, I'm sure v [KF] Not even Amber Spells?

[SP] Nope, not even Amber. The visiting Wood Elf mage couldn't even cast his Amber Spells.

[KF] So does that mean no more Purple Suns??

[SP] I'm afraid not

[KF] Not even a little one? v [SP] None at all.

[KF] Damn

[KF] So what's weird with our magic items, to make matters worse.

[SP] Well, most of them are still working, although our Supply of Le Marquis Stones have dried up, and those Boots of Flight don't fly anymore.

[KF] Do they do anything anymore??

[SP] They still look mighty fine.

[KF] Well, thats bloody wonderful.

[SP] Beyond that, most things are mostly working. Plans of the Silver Seal must have escaped, as almost everyone has one now. The Black Amulet seems weaker. The Book of Ashur doesn't give us that extra boost anymore. And the Golden Helm has changed, it now looks like a crown!

[KF] At least that last one is ok, maybe more mages will take it now.

[SP] Thats what I thought, at least one good thing today.

[Suddenly, the door crashed open again, and another mage runs in, this one wearing Grey Robes.]

[KF] [thinking] Don't mages ever knock??

[Grey Mage> I come bearing important news, from the College

[KF] Why are you puffed, why didn't you just Teleport yourself here??

[Grey Mage almost cries]

[KF] Ooops, my mistake, I'm terribly sorry. Servants, get a chair for this mage!

[Grey Mage sits down]

[GM] Supreme Patriach, Emperor, we have found a small breakthrough at the college.

[KF] You have?? Wonderful, maybe we can have Purple Suns after all.

[GM] Maybe not. One of those wandering "quest" wizards...

[SP] Bah Humbug, those stupid wizards and there stupid "battle spells"

[GM] ....well, he came in, and he said he wanted to advance, and he had gold to prove it. When we said we weren't going to, as we were busy, he got angry, and captured us in some sort of magical bond.

[SP] You mean, he could cast??

[GM] Exactly, when some of the heads of the colleges calmed him down and talked to him, he was amazed to hear our problem, as he suffered no such loss.

[SP] Amazing!!

[GM] He also told us it was our fault for not learning a generic magic, and becoming to specialized.

[SP] Will he say that when he starts running because of Fear of Aramar??

[KF] and who is going to cast it??

[SP] Damn!

[GM] He said the only change he noticed today was that his spells took twice as long, so he only got half the spells working, and he could only dispell once.

[SP] Once!! What is this world coming too.

[KF] Scribes!!! Prepare a proclamtion.

[SP] What are you doing Emperor??

[KF] I'm fixing your problem.

[A Scribe runs up, parchment and ink in hand]

[KF] The proclamation shall read "All Battle Wizards in the Empire should come post-haste to Altdorf, as we are opening a Battle Magic School, financial awards are available." etc etc, signed me etc etc.

[KF] Get that finished, and sent to every village in the Empire.

[The Scribe bows, and scurries away.]

[SP] A Battle College, what Blasphemy!!

[KF] Well, get used to it, until you can find a solution to the problem, every wizard in the school is learning 1 thing, Battle Magic! You may set up a team to find the colors, but the empires safety will NOT be compramised.

[SP] But, but, its battle magic!

[KF] Get used to it...

[KF] Don't you have things to do now??

[SP] Of course, your majesty, we shall speak soon

[KF] Of course, keep me notified.

[The Supreme Patriach, leaves the room, pushing the Grey Mage in front of him, they both have ashen faces.]

[Karl Franz sits back in his throne]

[KF] Ho Hum.

Mysteries of the Book of Grudges

The book of grudges is an ancient dwarf artifact, listing all the grudges held by the dwarves, since time immemorial. To say the least, it is held in very by the people here at the Great Moments in Warhammer History HQ. So we got one of our cleaners, a halfling named Ralph, gave him a fake beard a spy quill and parchment and sent him to karaz-a-karak to take photos of as many pages of the book of grudges as possible, hopefully some of the lesser known ones.

Two weeks later, Ralph returned, carrying a handful of film, and sporting a nasty scar on his cheek. He could also now drink any of our staff members under the table. After analysing the parchment, we can now show you, for the first time ever: (Some of) The Mysteries of the Book of Grudges!!

"A Grudge on my brother Barak, as he stole my Toy hammer, and wouldn't give it back, even after I told dad!"

This is the first entry in the book, written in a childlike scrawl in what seems to be crayon, its true meaning is deep, although some say we should just take it at face value as only a spoilt dwarf kid ratting on his brother. That it may be, but it is also the start of a legend, and should not be discounted.

"A Grudge on the Skaven Warlord Keethrax, for beating me in the 2nd Annual Beer Drinkathon"

This lends some support to the argument put forward by the revisionist historians, who say the Skaven didn't start bad, but just ended up that way.

To those who know something of Skaven history, they would know that they started from a city of humans, which occupied the place where Skavenblight stands. These historians claim, even after the bellringing, the Skaven were a good people, but were led to evil by the actions of the other races. This is why this entry helps support that argument. Why would Skaven participate in the 2nd Annual Beer Drinkathon, if they would have been killed on sight.

To counter the raving made revisionists, we checked with records on the 2nd Annual Beer Drinkathon, and it specifically said that all races were allowed, and that there would be a temporary "ceasefire" zone at the site of the event. The prize for 1st place was the "Cloak of Shadows". So we can assume that the Skaven took advantage of this rule, and sent a mutated skaven, who could handle inappropriate amounts of alcohol, with the intent of winning the cloak. Which, they did. Of course this explanation, while more feasable can't be proven, as in either scenario, the skaven still get the cloak.

"Milk, Bread, Eggs, Cat Food, Ale, ToothBrush, New Rune Axe"

This entry's meaning is unknown, as most of these items couldn't have caused greviene to a Dwarf King. On a side note, the last of that list "New Rune Axe" could have significance. The handwriting of this entry is of Kragg II who was mysteriously killed by two goblins who had escaped their masters. Why its mysterious, is that normally goblins wouldn't have a hope of killing a Dwarf Lord, but Kragg II was amazingly unarmed, and couldn't offer a defence to the attacks.

"A grudgesh on whatshhisname, fella, umm, Oi, thatsh me drinksh, can't you shee that im tring to rite? shod off Yeah, a poxsh on Ak, Ark, that undead losher wif the horshy flying fing."

A warning to children, the affect of alcohol on your coherency and your writing is not good, never write important documents when under the influence.

The Collapse of the Polar Warp Gates

This is probably the most important event in all of Warhammer history. This led too the introduction of chaos, the High elves having to set up the magic "drain" on Uluthan, and a reshaping of the world. Always ready to seek the truth, This Great Moment in Warhammer History attempts to find out the truth.

[Scene: Lustria, about year -5000. We see a room in the city of Itza. In it are a bunch of glowing creatures, these are the old ones. Most of them are sitting around a table, but one is off to the side, and seems to be carving something]

[Tlaxcotl] Ill match your strength increase, and raise you a mutation

[Chotec] A mutation..your bluffing, but i can't lose again, count me out

[Quatl] Im out, i can't match that

[Tzunki] So am i.

[Xapati] Ill match that and raise you scaly skin

[Huanchi] That puts me out

[Tepoc] So am I, are you sure we should be creating races using the results of a poker game?

[Xapati] Your just a party pooper Tepoc, its fun.

[Chotec] At least you're not like Sotek

[Tzunki] Yeah, All work and no play makes Sotek boring!

[Sotek] Yeah Yeah, sure whatever, I just want to make sure these prophesy's are correct, just in case.

[Quatl] For a demi-god, your pretty paranoid

[Huanchi] So, Tlax, you going to call, or raise?

[Tlaxcotl] Hmmm, ill call, watcha got, Xap?

[Xapati] A Straight (shows his cards)

[Tlaxcotl] Damn, I only got 2 pair

[Chotec] Knew you were bluffing

[Tlaxcotl] Shut up, or ill muck up your "precious" dwarf creation

[Chotec] Ooooooo

[Quatl] Now thats a bit harsh

[Tlaxcotl] Right (mutters a few words) Done, your dwarfs are now 4 ft tall instead of 7!

[Chotec] You *%@&#$!

Chotec jumps at Tlaxcotl, knocking the table over.

[Tzunki] Woo, fight!!

[Huanchi] I'll put some wounds on Chotec

[Tepoc] Your on, I'll put up a flying ability.

Some time later, both combatents stop, exhausted

[Hunachi] so, who won?

[Tepoc] Lets call it a draw

[Hunachi] Ok

[Tlaxcotl] *pant* man, i need another drink, no hard feelings chotec, was only a joke

[Chotec] *gasp* Yeah, i forgive you, anyway, i just made Goblins scared of everything, no leadership value..

[Tlaxcotl] you WHAT...why im going to...

[Quatl] Umm Guys, we got a bigger problem

[Xapati] What Quatl?

[Quatl] We're outta beer

[Huanchi] WHAT?? No beer

[Tlaxcotl] Dang, that sucks

[Chotec] Yeah, we gotta get some more

[Tepoc] Whose gonna drive to the store?

[Tzunki] I will

[Tzunki] So are you Tlax

[Huanchi] We all are

[Xapati] Sotek isn't *grin*

[Chotec] Hey Sot, buddy!, pal!, mate!

[Sotek] What?

[Chotec] Can you drive us to the bottle shop??

[Sotek] Hmmmm, dunno

[Quatl] C'mon, you gotta get out of the house, and away from those plaques

[Tepoc] Yeah Sotek, lets go cruising, maybe we can find some females

[Tzunki] You got no chance Tepoc

[Sotek] *sigh* Ok, I'll just get the keys

[Tlaxcotl] Yes! Lets go, Chotec, I'll fix ya dwarves up in the morning, ok?

[Chotec] Ok Tlax, and I'll give your goblins there backbone again.

[Scene: A Spaceship, flying towards the polar gate, Sotek is driving, all the others are crowded into the passenger seats]

[Huanchi] Punch it Sotek, theres no traffic..

[Quatl] Yeah, put the pedal to the metal

[Sotek] We don't want to harm the elves, what would they do if they saw us flying past??

[Tepoc] Who cares, we would just fix it later, lets goooooo

[Sotek] We're getting there, don't worry the shops not going anywhere

[Chotec] Here's the Gate, finally

[Tlaxcotl] Yes, i can almost taste the beer now!!

[Quatl] mmmm

[Tepoc] Hey what's that??

[Xapati] What??

[Tepoc] Over there, other side of the gate

[Huanchi] Not sure, lets have a look

[Tzunki] Pull up Sotek

[Sotek] Not this close to the gate!!

[Chotec] Do it, it'll be cool

[Sotek] You're a fool, what happens if we hit it??

[Tlaxcotl] Fine, we'll do it!!

[Tlaxcotl reaches over to the drivers side, and pulls on the wheel]

[Sotek] What are you doing!!!!!!!!

[The Ship goes up on its side, and over]

[All] Ohhhh shiiiiiii!!!!!!!!

[They never finish the expletive, as the ship rolls into the side of the warp gate, cracking it]

[Sometime later]

[Chotec] Woah, good thing were quasi-immortal

[Tepoc] My head hurts!!

[Tzunki] We got bigger problems!!

[Hunachi] What now???

[Xapati] Look!!

[The Warp gate is cracked, and daemons are starting to empty]

[Sotek] Look what you did, you idiots, now we have chaos in here.. what have you done??

[Quatl] Oooops

The rest is history, the Old Ones dissapear, probably due to embarrassment, and chaos has entered the world.

More Great Moments in Warhammer History coming soon!! (whether you like them or not!!)

Written by: Daniel Josef Dekok