"CONFUCIUS SAY..." 78. "Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day!" 77. "It is good for a girl to meet a boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl." 76. "Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time." 75. "Man who finger girl having period may get caught red handed." 74. "Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam." 73. "Man who eat many prunes get good run for money." 72. "Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock." 71. "Man who buy drowned cat must pay for stinking wet pussy." 70. "Virgin like balloon., one prick, all gone." 69. "Man who meows ate pussy!" 68. "Man with hand in pocket is having a ball." 67. "Those who quote me are fools." 66. "Baseball wrong. . .man with four balls cannot walk!" 65. "Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it." 64. "Work to become, not to acquire." *shrugs* 63. "Show off always shown up in a showdown." 62. "Put rooster in freezer to get a stiff cock." 61. "Man with no legs bums around." 60. "Man who pull out too fast leave rubber." 59. "Baby ill-conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard." 58. "A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose." 57. "Find old man in dark, not hard!" 56. "Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails!" 55. "Man who smoke pot choke on handle." 54. "Okay for shit to happen. . .will decompose." 53. "When in doubt, whip it out." 52. "A man with his hands in pockets feels foolish, but a man with holes in pockets feels nuts." 51. "Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!" 50. "War doesn't determine who's right, war determines who's left." 49. "Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splittin headache." 48. "Girl who marry detective must kiss dick." 47. "Girl who go to bachelor pad for snack get tit-bit." 46. "Girl who is wallflower at party is dandelion in bed." 45. "Man have more hair on chest than woman - but on the whole woman have more." 44. "Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy." 43. "Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind." 42. "No difference between man and mouse - both end up in pussy." 41. "Woman is like jazz music, 3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time." 40. "Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house." 39. "Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk." 38. "Man with hand in bush may not necessarily trimming shrubs." 37. "Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night." 36. "If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people." 35. "Man with athletic fingers make Broad jump." 34. "House without toilet is uncanny." 33. "Many men smoke but Fu Manchu." 32. "He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser." 31. "While others are inside sitting down, you will be outstanding." 30. "Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy." 29. "Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out." 28. "It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it." 27. "Never raise hands to angry child, it leaves groin exposed." 26. "Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary." 25. "Man who go out with flat chested woman feels shallow." 24. "Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons." 23. "Man who has sex with hole in ground have piece on earth." 22. "Man who bounce woman on bed spring this spring have offspring next spring." 21. "Woman with bleached blonde hair have black hair by cracky." 20. "Man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money." 19. "Wife for life is better than wife for strife." 18. "Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink." 17. "Man who drive like hell, bound to get there." 16. "Girl with little red bike peddle ass all over town." 15. "Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants." 14. "Girl who slides down banister nude gets splinters by cracky." 13. "Rape no good, woman run faster with dress up, than man can with pants down." 12. "Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand." 11. "Better to sleep with chicken than to choke it." 10. "All blonde not blonde by cracky." 9. "Man who sit on tack get point." 8. "Man who runs behind car gets exhausted." 7. "Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion." 6. "Man who loose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new-key." 5. "Woman who fly plane upside down have harry crack up." 4. "Man who has woman on ground has piece on earth." 3. "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot." 2. "Man who fart in church sit in his own pew." 1. "Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger." ******************************************** Tidningen Dagens Medicin har samlat på lustiga journalanteckningar och här kommer de: - Inget illamående eller kallsvett vid ontet (Vad är ett ont?) - Söker p.g.a att ha slagit i vänster stortå som nästan helt har lossnat. Personalen får dock ej dra loss den, då det gör ont. - Ligger på britsen, påverkad av ont. - Har huvudvärk i huvudet. - Har mått relativt bra i gipset. - Fick dock besked om att hjärtat var bra, men att hon skulle återkomma om hon blev medvetslös. - Poängterar att det är viktigt att patienten håller sig ren mellan fötterna. - Patienten har mandolinstor prostata. (Wow! Såg den ut så också?) - Brunbjörnsstor resistens borttages. - Patienten har små frimärken i vagina. (Ny typ av sexuell böjning?) - Öron skymtar bleka bakom vax. - Detta var de patienter som blev liggande på mitt skrivbord. - Gosse med rör i höger öga. Har rör i båda plastöronen. - Patienten har protes upp och ner. - Smärtan i ryggen kommer när patienten ligger raklång med båda benen på rygg. (Vem har inte ont då?) - Har varit och fjällvandrat. Nedkom med helikopter igår. - Patienten går med något sånär levande stöd. - Aktuella mediciner: vet inte vad de heter. (Om inte läkaren vet, hur skall då jag veta?) - Slipsen nedsys i såret. - Patienten är gravid i 19:e månaden. (Snacka om att gå över tiden!) - Ont i vänster växellåda. -Använder käpp och håller sig på vägarna. - Patienten har tidigare haft öron men dessa har ramlat bort. - Patienten tycker att höger stortå hänger ner något jämfört med de andra fingrarna. - Söker för allergiska besvär. Samtal via magen som tolkar. - Blöder ibland ifrån vänster näsa. I vår lilla serie läkaruttalande i dagens Sverige kommer nu del 3. - Avföringen har samma färg som dörrarna på avdelning 19. (Snygga dörrar) - 1974 fick patienten en grävskopa över sig. Sedan dess ringningar i öronen. - Änka sedan 1980 då patienten dog i hjärtinfarkt. - Lider av besvedande svära. - Ibland mår patienten bättre, ibland sämre. Ibland mår hon inte alls. - När hon känner sig trött kan ansiktet vridas åt höger och där stå och smårycka en stund. (Låter iinte bra!) - Femårig flicka med öroninflammation två gånger årligen sedan urminnes tider. - Patienten måste sova högt under kudden. - Liten knöl på höger sida av vänster skalle. - Patienten röker en cigarett i veckan. Uppmanar honom att dra in på rökningen. (Snacka om att de är efter rökarna nuförtiden) - En hel del bekymmer med sina fötter, kan inte sjunga för halsen. (Mina fötter kan inte heller sjunga!) - Hon beskriver huvudvärken som spännande. (Jag ska man ändå ha ont så) - Kräkningarna försvann på eftermiddagen. Likaså maken. (Gissa vem som var orsaken) - Urin odlad på distriktsläkaren visar växt av coli. (Vem bryr sig om distriktsläkaren har coli?) - Patienten har återigen fått ont i värken. - Vänster knä svullnade upp och säkte distriktsläkare. (Snacka om objektorientering) - Patienten fick rådet att gå och hänga sig. - Kan en få ned hakan mot huvudet. - Patienten är betydligt piggare sedan hon kom härifrån. (Tror jag dé) - Patienten har bedömts som osammanhängande. (Rent fysiskt?) - Druckit ett glas rödvin på kvällen tillsammans med kokta hu mmern. (Hur mycket drack kokta hummern?) - Har börjat få blodiga små matskedar i avföringen upp till 15 gånger per dag. (Say no more!) - Patienten har varit placerad på ett hunddagis i Gävle med stöd av socialtjänsten. (Jag trodde psykvården hade övergett sådana idéer) - Stumpen blödde igenom varför den byttes. - Lastbilschaufför med god kondition som åker en mil utan att bli andfådd i vanliga fall. - Lymfkörteln skickades samma dag som patienten i taxi till Uppsala. ************************************************* This heavyset guy had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight. He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read: Lose weight, only $1.00 a pound Call (202) 208-0238 The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the man responded, 'Ten pounds.' The voice replied, 'Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.'. About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, 'If you catch me, you can have me'. Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, 'Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!'. He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce! That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the somewhat less overweight man replied, 'Twenty pounds.'. 'Very well', the voice on the phone told him, 'Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.' At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating 'If you catch me, you can have me'. The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, 'Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!' He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! 'This is fantastic!', he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?'. 'Fifty pounds!', the man exclaimed. 'Fifty pounds?', the voice asked. 'That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.' The man replied, 'Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!', and he hung up the phone. About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, 'If I catch you, I'm going to screw you' ***************************************************** The native American boy (B) asked his mother (M) once: B: Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named "Mighty Storm"? M: Because he was conceived during a mighty storm. B: Why is my sister named "Cornflower"? M: Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her. B: And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"? M: We were watching the moonlanding while she was conceived. Tell me,Torn Rubber, why are you so curious ============================================ A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T" 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry." 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. ********************************************** A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay", she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?" Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not". "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off." ********************************************
THE CASTAWAY ENGINEER
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.
"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?" "Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?" "Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man. "There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter." "To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said. "Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!" "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas." Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island." "Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked. "You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds. "Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too...isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!" "Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible." "Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said. The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean... you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL HERE!!??!!" ***************************************** A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist." ***************************************** Q. What's the difference between "Ooooh!" and "Aaahhhh!"? A. About four inches Q. What do you call a chicken in a white shell-suit? A. An egg Q: What's got four legs and an arm? A: A happy pit bull terrier. Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!" So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You! Fuck off!" Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? A. Spit, swallow and gargle Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns? A. Because they taste funny. Q: What's the definition of Australian aristocracy? A: A man who can trace his lineage back to his father. A woman tells her friend she's received a bunch of flowers from her husband. "I suppose I'll have to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air," she says, to which her friend replies, "Why, don't you have a vase?" Q. What's the difference between an Australian and a yoghurt? A. A yoghurt has a living culture. An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty. "What's the problem?" asks the doctor. "Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. The she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still can't get the lid off the bloody bottle." Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? A: He sold his soul to Santa. Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox? A: About eight pints. Q. What has a bunch of balls and screws old ladies? A. A bingo machine A boat is sinking fast when the Captain runs on deck and shouts to the passengers, "Hey, listen, do any of you know any prayers?" A big Texan steps up and says, "Yessir, I do." "Oh, good," replies the Captain, "You'd better get started because we're a life jacket short." Q. What does an Essex girl use for protection when she has sex? A. A bus shelter Q. Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? A. Because his wife died. A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand. "What's going on `ere then?" Says a passing policeman. "They stole me bloody car!" shouts the drunk. "Where did you last see it?" asks the copper. "On the end of this key!" wails the drunk. The policeman looks him over and says,"Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?". "Holy shit!" screams the drunk, "They got me girlfriend too!" Three cowboys are sitting round a fire. The first starts to tell yarns about how he's the toughest cowboy ever. The second disagrees, and starts to tell stories about how he's the toughest cowboy ever. The third just sits silently by the fire, patiently stirring the coals with his penis. Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb. Q: How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, let the bitch cook in the dark. Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common? A:They both capture the moment. Q. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E? A. One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem. A man walks into a bar and sees a dog licking its balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "I wish I could do that." The bartender replies, "Give him a biscuit and he might let you." Q. What's the difference between 365 used tyres and 365 used condoms? A. One was a Goodyear, one was a great year. A man is watching a lion taming act at the circus. The lion tamer's finale involves holding his genitalia between the lion's gaping jaws for a full two minutes. This is greeted with rapturous applause. Afterwards the lion tamer promises 1000 pounds to anyone who will try the trick. The man leaps up and shouts, "I'll try, but I'm not sure I can hold my mouth that wide for so long." Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse? Q: What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse? A: A circus is a cunning array of stunts. The President wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine. Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that day the FBI agents return. "Well sir," says the first agent, "the urine has been analysed and it's the Vice President's". The President goes purple with rage and shouts, "Is that all?" "Well no sir," says the agent, "It's the First Lady's handwriting." Q: Why did God create women? A: Because sheep can't cook. A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?" "That's the elephant's tail," she replies. "No, under the tail," says the youngster. The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing." The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son." "So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy. The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman." Q.What's the difference between meat and fish? A. If you beat your fish it dies. Q. Why does an elephant have four feet? A. Because eight inches isn't enough. A group of genetic scientists post an ad in the local paper. It reads, "Individual wanted to mate with ape, 5000." The next day a man telephones and agrees to the experiment on three simple conditions. The scientists are all ears. "First," says the man, "my wife must never know. Second, the children must have a religious upbringing. And third, if I can pay in installments, I'm definitely interested." Q: How do you get virgin wool? A: From ugly sheep. Q. What's the difference between a mugger and a peeping Tom? A. A mugger snatches watches. Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sitting next to each other on a trans-Atlantic flight. Suddenly, the plane plummets out of control. In panic, the woman turns to the man, tears off her blouse and cries, "Make me feel like a woman one more time!" Rising to the occasion, the man tears off his shirt and says, "Here, iron this." **************************** An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake-he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" ******************************** The following are actual statements found on Insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining... Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. I thought my window was open but found it was up when I put my head through it. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian. My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him. I saw a slow moving sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. **************************************** LET'S GET ORGANIZED A fireman who worked for a fire company came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks. From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say Bell 3, we're going to screw all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1" and his wife took off all her clothes. "Bell 2" and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3" and they began to screw. After 2 minutes his wife yelled "Bell 4". "What's this Bell 4?" asked her husband. "More hose." she replied, "You're no where near the fire" ******************************************** Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to rape the cat." *************************************** I went into the hotel lobby to check in. Afterwards, I turned around and accidentally elbowed a woman in the breast. I said, " If your heart is as soft as your breast, you will forgive me." And she replied," If your penis is as hard as your elbowe, I'm in room 436 !" ************************************* There was a koala bear who was approached by a prostitute one day. He had never been with a prostitute before. Curious and excited, Koala spent the night with her and had a GREAT time... The next morning, he went down on her one last time before departing. After he's done, Koala headed for the door and was about to leave when the prostitute yelled, "hey...what about my money?" Confused, the koala turned around, gave her a puzzled look, shrugging his shoulders, and replied "Huh?" "Come here..." she said and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition: "has sex and gets paid." Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word koala and showed her its definition: "eats bush and leaves." **************************** Two dogs in adjoining cages at the vet's are chatting. One, a Pit Bull, tells the other, a Great Dane, that he is in real trouble because after being tormented by a pesky brat, he lost his control and mauled the kid. He was in the vet's for a lethal injection. Commiserating, the Great Dane says he, too, lost control when his mistress, naked, bent over to turn on the bathwater. He had jumped on her and given her a good hump. "Oh, says the pit bull. " Pity, are you on the way out, too?" " No," says the Great Dane. " I'm here to have my toenails cut." *************************** One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon: Demon: Why so glum, chum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell. Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Demon: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead. Guy: No shit! Demon: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table. Guy: Hmmm, I never played pai gow before... Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs? Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean... Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead. Guy: yeah! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place! Demon: You gay? Guy: Uh, no. Demon: Oooh (grimaces), you're gonna hate Fridays. ************************************* Neil is walking down the steet one day when Jim rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked Neil. Jim replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" Neil nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." ******************************** >A nun got into a cab and the driver was staring at her. She asked him >why was he staring at her and he said, "I want to ask you a question, >but I don't want to offend you." > >She said, "you can't offend me, not as old as I am and as long as I >have been a nun I have heard just about everything. > >The cab driver said, " Well I've always had a fantasy to have a nun >give me a Blow job." > >She said, "Well let's see what we can work out." > >1. You have to be single >2. You have to be Catholic > >The cab driver said, " OH I'm single and I am Catholic!!!!" > >She said, "O.K. pull in to the alley," and he did. > >So she did her thing and they were on the street again and the cab >driver started crying and she said, "My child what's the matter?" > >He said, "Sister I have sinned, I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm >Jewish!!! > >She said, "That's okay. My name is Joe and I'm on my way to a >Costume Party." ************************************* A man who was concerned with the size of his privates goes to a specialist for enlargement. The doctor shows him many models. The man looks them over but wants something even bigger. The doctor says he's getting an experimental model in tomorrow. The next day, the doctor has a baby elephant's trunk ready for grafting. "Great," the man says, and submits to the operation. Visiting the doctor for a posoperative check two weeks later, he reports that the results are excellent, except for one thing: occasionally his new dick grabs bunches of grass and shoves them up his butt. ************************************* A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?" ******************************* A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "We are all berry hungry." The waitress says, "So how is whacking off in this restaurant going to help that situation?" One of the other businessmen replies, "Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED." *************************************** A Scottish old timer (Jeremy Saxton at 65) in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me Saxton-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.." Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me Saxton-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me Saxton-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya fuck one goat...!" ************************************ What is the difference between a Mercedes and a Skoda? Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Skoda.... ***************************************** A women is driving along in her brand new sports car one day, going a little over the speed limit, when she notices a police car is following her. It begins to sound its siren so she pulls over. The traffic cop gets out of his car and walks over to where she is parked. She winds down her window. "Do you realise what speed you were driving at, madam?" asks the officer. "I know that I was over the limit, and I'm very sorry - it won't happen ever again," she replies. The officer, seeing she's distressed, decides she's learnt her lesson and lets her off with a warning. "Have you ever been held up by the fuzz before?" he asks her seriously. A little baffled, but earnestly, she replies, "No, but I've been swung round by the tits." ******************************* A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs. He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two titties to Titsburgh, I MEAN two tickets to Pittsburgh". He's really embarrassed...even his ears are red! The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, `Please pass the sugar, darling', but I accidentally said, `You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life!" *************************************** A true story from England on an actual trial: A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and he laughed even more. Then on her fourth move he burst out laughing uncontrollably. She had him arrested. When the case came before the court this was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident." He won the case. ***************************** There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears. Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out. The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out. Then he had the third interview.. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?" The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any fuckin' ears!" *************************** There is a small business owner. He has two employees, Jack & Jill. Business is bad and he has to lay one of them off but is having a hard time deciding which one to let go. He decides which ever of them leaves for lunch first gets it. Both of them stay and eat at their desks. Ok who ever leaves work at the end of the day first is the one. They both get up and leave at the same time . Geez, he has to let one go. Which one? Jill, it has to be Jill. The owner walks out to Jill's car as she is about to get in and says, "Jill, I am trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off. What do you think?" Jill says, "You'd better just Jack off. I am already late for an appointment. ***************************** A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a Bridal Shop and asks for a white dress. "You can't wear white," the sales clerk reminds her. "You've been married three times already." "Of course I can. I'm a virgin." says the bride. "Impossible" says the sales clerk. "Unfortunately not." The bride explained: "My first husband was a Psychologist, all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a Gynaecologist, all he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector. God I miss him." ********************************** A blonde woman competed with a brunette and a redhead in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms." ********************************* There was a typical blond named Sheri. She had long, blond hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blond jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped And called the sheep herder over. "That's a nice flock of sheep." She said. "Well thank you." said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you." Said the woman. "Okay." replied the herder. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" asked the woman. "Sure." said the sheep herder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow." said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?" queried the woman. "If I can guess the real colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?"