Just "click" on one of the stories, and I will take you to it.
| The horse and the rabbit | The old rooster |
| Horrible deaths | The mermaid |
| The three nuns | Mickey & Minnie |
| The punishment | |
A horse and a rabbit are playing in a
meadow. The horse falls into
a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get
the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the
farm but
the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back
to the
mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the
other
end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving
him from sinking!
A few days later, the rabbit and horse were
playing in the meadow
again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to
the horse
to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I
think I can
stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the
hole and said,
"Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the
rabbit did and pulled
himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes.
An old farmer decided it was time to get a
new rooster for his hens. The
current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting
on in years.
And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt
anything.
So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and
turns him loose
in the barn yard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one
strutting around and he gets a
little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old
rooster.
I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird
and says,
"So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think
you're hot
stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet.
I'll
bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you
to a
race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten
times
and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for
himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort,
and he definitely thought he
was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on,"
said the young rooster.
"And since I know I'm so great, I'll
even give you a head start of half
a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.
So the two roosters go over to the hen house
to start the race with all
the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the
hens
start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old
rooster is
still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's
lead has
slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately
the old
rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the
fifth lap
he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the
commotion. He runs into the house,
gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or
something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the
two
roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still
slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims,
fires,
and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself ........
"Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
Three men were standing in line to get into
heaven one day. Apparently it had
been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first
one,
"Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been
asked to admit
only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's
your
story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a
while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch
her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something
was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this
other guy
could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and
sure enough,
there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above
ground!
By now I was really mad, so I started
beating on him and kicking him, but
wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went
back into my
apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.
Of
course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell --
but even
after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I
couldn't stand
it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and
threw it over
the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all
the stress
and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on
the balcony.
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains
to him about heaven being full,
and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see,
I live on the 26th floor of my
apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony.
Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I
fell over
the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony
on the
floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when
suddenly this
man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved,
when he
started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could
until he ran
into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on
my hands.
Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky
and fell into the bushes below,
stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be
okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me
instantly,
and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that
sounded like a pretty horrible
death.
The third man came to the front of the line,
and again the whole process
was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for
his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
A
man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few
stools
away. The guy had a body like Arnold Schwarzneger, but his head
was the
size of a thimble. the first man said "please excuse me for
staring, but
I cant help but be curious as to why your body is so well
developed, but
your head is so small?" The man said "buy me a drink
and i"ll tell you."
The
drink was ordered and the story began. " I was in the navy
and my ship
was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and i managed to
make it to
a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for several
months and
was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to
come by so I
would have something to eat, looking up i saw a beautiful mermaid
sunning on
anearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a
magical
mermaid and could grant me three wishes.
Great
i said. I'd like to be rescued. She slapped the water with her
tail and
a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island. Next i asked for
a body
like Arnold Schwarzneger. Another slap of the tail and here it
is. then, noticing
how beautiful she was and all my other wishes fulfilled I asked
if I could
make love to her. She said no it just wouldn´t work, her being
half fish and all,
so i said well, how about a little head then?
Three
nuns die and go to heaven. They're met at the gates of heaven by
St.Peter and say to him "Hi St. Peter. We're three nuns. Can
we come in?"
"No no" said St. Peter "It's not that simple.
These days you have to pass
a test to get into heaven." "O.K." said the nuns,
"We'll do whatever it
takes to get into heaven."
So
St. Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on
earth?" The
first nun said, "That's an easy one. Adam." Bells are
ringing, lights are
flashing, people are clapping. Right answer. She gets in.
St.
Peter asks the second nun, "Who was the first woman on
earth?" The
second nun said, "That's an easy one. Eve." Bells are
ringing, lights are
flashing, people are clapping. Right answer.
St.
Peter then asks the third nun, "What were the first words
Eve spoke to
Adam?" The third nun says "That's a hard one . .
." Bells are ringing, lights
are flashing, people are clapping.
Mickey and Minnie
Mouse were in the midst of a bitter divorce.
Unable to amicably resolve their differences, they ended up in
court.
After considering all the evidence, the judge addressed Mickey.
"Mickey, I'm
afraid there is insufficient evidence to substantiate
your claim that Minnie is insane."
Mickey replied,
"Damnit Judge, I didn't say she was insane,
I said she was fucking Goofy!"
There is this ship
and one of the crewmen has commited a crime
and death is the punishment. He goes up to the captain of the
ship
and says
"Look, i don't
want to die, I'm young and I really have things
going good before this. Is there anything I can do?"
The captain replys
"well, yeah, there is the three hut test if you
want to take it. If you pass, you won't be put to death".
So the guy eagerly says "sure, I'll do it. What do I have to do?"
The captain replies
"there is 3 rooms. In the first room there is enough
grog for the crew of this ship for a week. If you go in there and
drink
all of it in 24 hours and come out alive you can go on to the
second room.
In the second hut
there is a lion that has an absyss on his tooth. It needs
to be removed. If you can go in there and come out with the tooth
you
can go on to the last room. In the last hut there is a woman who
has never
been satisfied in sex, if you can go in there and satisfy her,
you will be free.
" So the guy
think, yeah, I may as well, I don't have anything to lose. He
goes in to the first room and emerges a couple of hours pissed
off his
brain and staggers off to the next room. At the next room they
all hear alot
of screaming and blood is flying out and shredding clothes are
going every-
where.
When he finally
comes out everyone is shocked he is still alive. He
drunkenly asks them "so where's that sheila who needs the
tooth pulled?"
I
really hope that you've enjoyed these jokes. If you have any
funny jokes
in store please don't be shy, just mail them to me.
Thank's for visiting!!!
1998-07-06