Jokes About Women
Warning -- These jokes contain vulger language and adult
situations and may be offensive to young children, woman, masculine
femenists and small farm animals... If you are highly anal to this kind
of material, please leave instead of bitching to me about it...
- What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt? A pussy is warm and
moist. A cunt is what owns it.
- What's a clitoris? A female hood ornament.
- What's the only bad thing about the 69 position ? The view.
- Why do men fart more than women? Because women won't shut up
long enough to build up pressure.
- Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair? Because if
you drag them around by the feet they fill up with dirt.
- Why did god give men penises? So we'd always have at least one way to
shut a woman up!
- What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? You don't
have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
- How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.
- Why did God give women nipples? To make suckers out of men.
- What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A woman that won't do what
- Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? She was a woman.
- What's the white stuff you find in women's panties? Clitty
- How do you know God meant for men to eat pussy? Why else would
he make it look like a taco?
- How can you tell if you ve been fucking your girl too much?
Stick your thumb in her asshole and your middle finger up her
snatch. If you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a
- How does a man know when he's eaten pussy well? When he wakes up
in the morning and his face looks like a glazed doughnut.
- What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
- Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away.
- What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for? It's
braille for "suck here".
- How can a woman tell she is ugly? Men only want to play dress
poker with her.
- Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to
improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are
- What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25
year old does not? Her navel.
- Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
- What do you call pulling off a woman's panty hose? Foreplay.
- Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He
died laughing before he could tell anybody.
- Did you hear about the woman so fat she couldn t get out of bed?
She kept rocking herself back to sleep.
- What s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
- How can you tell a macho women? She rolls her own tampons.
- Why is a woman like a dog turd? The older it is, the easier it
is to pick up.
- What's the difference between a woman and a toilet? A toilet
doesn't follow you around once you've used it.
- What do an AIDS patient and the man you caught in bed with your
wife have in common? They've both fucked themselves to an early death.
- How does a woman know that she is overweight? She's lying at the
beach and people from Greenpeace try to push her back into the sea.
- How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner?? Why the
fuck should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing!
- Why are women like screen doors? Once they get banged a few
times,they loosen up.
- What's a wife? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the
- How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex? Wipe
your dick on the curtains.
- How do you make a woman scream twice? Fuck her in the ass, then
wipe your dick on the drapes.
- What's the most active muscle in a woman? The penis.
- How do you tell if your woman is sexually aroused? When you put
your hand inside her panties it feels like a horse eating oats.
- How are women like parking spaces? The best ones are taken, and
the rest are handicapped.
- How are girls like rocks? The flat ones are better to skip.
- How do you know if a man has a really ugly wife? Her pet name is
- Why do women have tits? So men will talk to them.
- If you are having sex with TWO women and ONE more woman walks in,
what do you have? Divorce proceedings, most likely.
- What's the difference between a woman and a coffin? You come in
one and go in the other.
- How do you make love to a fat chick? Jerk off in your hand and
throw it at her.
- Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand to
see a man having a good time.
- What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
- What do you call a Playboy centrefold who's a lesbian? Bitch.
- What do you call a woman who can suck an orange through a water
- Why do women skydivers wear tampons? So they don't whistle on
the way down.
- How can you tell if a woman is really fat? Her front door has
- How can you tell if a woman is really fat? She goes to Japan,
and the sumo wrestlers cower in fear.
- How can a woman tell she is flat-chested? She looks down her
dress and the only bumps she sees are knees.
- What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal
sex? It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's more degrading to the
- Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat? They both feel good, but
you wonder who was there before you.
- What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
- What did King Kong say to Oprah Winfrey? Is it in?
- What's the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman's mouth?
Albert Einstein's dick.
- Why are fat girls so much fun at country-western bars? You can
get them drunk and play the washboard on their chins.
- Why do women have periods? Because they deserve them.
- Why did God make man first? He didn't want to have a woman
looking over his shoulder.
- What do Kermit the Frog and Roseanne Barr's husband have in
common? They both enjoy fucking pigs.
- What do you call that useless piece of skin around a pussy? A
- What's the definition of Male Chauvinist Pig? A man who hates
every bone in a woman's body--except his own.
- What's the definition of a menstrual period? A bloody waste of
- If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what
have you done wrong? Made her chain too long.
- What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his
legs while you vacuum.
- Why does it take five women with PMS to change a light bulb? IT
- Why was the woman crossing the road? Who cares? What the fuck's
the bitch doing out of the kitchen?
- How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex? She hikes up
her skirt every time someone yawns.
- How can you tell a woman has a huge ass? You have to take a mule
to get to the bottom of her crack.
- How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They let the bitch do it after she finishes the dishes.
- How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they
just sit there in the dark and bitch.
- Why is a laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
never be able to support you.
- How can a woman tell if her pussy really stinks? A fly lands on
it and throws up.
- What's love? The delusion that one woman is different from
- What should you do if your girlriend starts smoking? Slow down.
And possibly use a lubricant.
- What do you do when the dishwasher won't work? Kick her.
- Did you hear about Delta Burke's tragic suicide attempt? She
tried to harpoon herself.
- Did you hear about the Nancy Kerrigan special at Kentucky Fried
Chicken? Two small breasts and a bruised thigh.
- How can you tell if a woman is flat-chested? She needs
suspenders to hold up her bra.
- What do you call a 300 pound woman? Fat.
- Why are cyclones/tornadoes usually named after women? Because
what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house.
- What do the TV shows Green Acres and Roseanne have in common? A
pig named Arnold.
What's Roseanne Barr's favourite sex toy? Ben-Wa basketballs.
How can you tell a woman is really trashy? She brings a date to
How can you tell a woman is really ugly? A cannibal takes one
look at her and orders a salad.
How can you tell your wife is really gross? One day she doesn't
wear under wear and the dog pukes.
How do you know a woman is too fat? Young lovers try to carve
their initials into her leg.
How can you tell if a woman's cooking is really lousy? Natives
from the Amazon come to dip their arrows in it.
Did you hear about the new feminine hygiene spray called SSY?
That's what you have left after you take the PU out of pussy.
Why do women have two holes? So when they get drunk you can
carry them like a six-pack.
How are clams like women? When the red tide comes you don't eat
What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five
years your job will still suck.
Why did God create lesbians? So feminists couldn't breed.
Why do women have belly buttons? To hold your gum on the way
Why did the Army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
They fought like animals and retained water for four days.
Why is a fat woman like a moped? They're both fun to ride, but
you wouldn t want your friends to see you on either.
Why can't you trust women? How can you trust something that can
bleed for five days and not die?
What's the best thing about a blowjob? Ten minutes of silence.
How can you tell a woman is wearing pantyhose? Her ankles swell
up when she farts.
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don t have balls to scratch.
What do women and jelly have in common? They both wiggle when
you eat them.
What s the difference between a women's athletics team and a
tribe of pygmies? The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
What s the best thing to give an 80 year old woman? Mikey -
He'll eat anything.
What's the definition of a woman? A life support system for a
Why do women have legs? So they won't leave snail tracks.
Why do women have arms? Have you any idea how long it would take
to LICK a bathroom clean?
What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant? Her legs.
Did you hear about the new all female delivery service? It s
called UPMS - they deliver whenever the fuck they feel like it.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?