Jokes About Women

Warning -- These jokes contain vulger language and adult situations and may be offensive to young children, woman, masculine femenists and small farm animals... If you are highly anal to this kind of material, please leave instead of bitching to me about it...

  1. What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt? A pussy is warm and moist. A cunt is what owns it.
  2. What's a clitoris? A female hood ornament.
  3. What's the only bad thing about the 69 position ? The view.
  4. Why do men fart more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
  5. Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair? Because if you drag them around by the feet they fill up with dirt.
  6. Why did god give men penises? So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!
  7. What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
  8. How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.
  9. Why did God give women nipples? To make suckers out of men.
  10. What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
  11. Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? She was a woman.
  12. What's the white stuff you find in women's panties? Clitty litter.
  13. How do you know God meant for men to eat pussy? Why else would he make it look like a taco?
  14. How can you tell if you ve been fucking your girl too much? Stick your thumb in her asshole and your middle finger up her snatch. If you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little.
  15. How does a man know when he's eaten pussy well? When he wakes up in the morning and his face looks like a glazed doughnut.
  16. What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? Marriage.
  17. Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away.
  18. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for? It's braille for "suck here".
  19. How can a woman tell she is ugly? Men only want to play dress poker with her.
  20. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
  21. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old does not? Her navel.
  22. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
  23. What do you call pulling off a woman's panty hose? Foreplay.
  24. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
  25. Did you hear about the woman so fat she couldn t get out of bed? She kept rocking herself back to sleep.
  26. What s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull? Lipstick.
  27. How can you tell a macho women? She rolls her own tampons.
  28. Why is a woman like a dog turd? The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
  29. What's the difference between a woman and a toilet? A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it.
  30. What do an AIDS patient and the man you caught in bed with your wife have in common? They've both fucked themselves to an early death.
  31. How does a woman know that she is overweight? She's lying at the beach and people from Greenpeace try to push her back into the sea.
  32. How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner?? Why the fuck should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing!
  33. Why are women like screen doors? Once they get banged a few times,they loosen up.
  34. What's a wife? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
  35. How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex? Wipe your dick on the curtains.
  36. How do you make a woman scream twice? Fuck her in the ass, then wipe your dick on the drapes.
  37. What's the most active muscle in a woman? The penis.
  38. How do you tell if your woman is sexually aroused? When you put your hand inside her panties it feels like a horse eating oats.
  39. How are women like parking spaces? The best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
  40. How are girls like rocks? The flat ones are better to skip.
  41. How do you know if a man has a really ugly wife? Her pet name is Spot.
  42. Why do women have tits? So men will talk to them.
  43. If you are having sex with TWO women and ONE more woman walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings, most likely.
  44. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin? You come in one and go in the other.
  45. How do you make love to a fat chick? Jerk off in your hand and throw it at her.
  46. Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
  47. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.
  48. What do you call a Playboy centrefold who's a lesbian? Bitch.
  49. What do you call a woman who can suck an orange through a water hose? Darling.
  50. Why do women skydivers wear tampons? So they don't whistle on the way down.
  51. How can you tell if a woman is really fat? Her front door has stretch marks.
  52. How can you tell if a woman is really fat? She goes to Japan, and the sumo wrestlers cower in fear.
  53. How can a woman tell she is flat-chested? She looks down her dress and the only bumps she sees are knees.
  54. What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal sex? It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's more degrading to the woman.
  55. Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat? They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
  56. What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb.
  57. What did King Kong say to Oprah Winfrey? Is it in?
  58. What's the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman's mouth? Albert Einstein's dick.
  59. Why are fat girls so much fun at country-western bars? You can get them drunk and play the washboard on their chins.
  60. Why do women have periods? Because they deserve them.
  61. Why did God make man first? He didn't want to have a woman looking over his shoulder.
  62. What do Kermit the Frog and Roseanne Barr's husband have in common? They both enjoy fucking pigs.
  63. What do you call that useless piece of skin around a pussy? A woman.
  64. What's the definition of Male Chauvinist Pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body--except his own.
  65. What's the definition of a menstrual period? A bloody waste of fucking time.
  66. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long.
  67. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs while you vacuum.
  68. Why does it take five women with PMS to change a light bulb? IT JUST DOES!!
  69. Why was the woman crossing the road? Who cares? What the fuck's the bitch doing out of the kitchen?
  70. How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex? She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns.
  71. How can you tell a woman has a huge ass? You have to take a mule to get to the bottom of her crack.
  72. How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They let the bitch do it after she finishes the dishes.
  73. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
  74. Why is a laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
  75. How can a woman tell if her pussy really stinks? A fly lands on it and throws up.
  76. What's love? The delusion that one woman is different from another.
  77. What should you do if your girlriend starts smoking? Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
  78. What do you do when the dishwasher won't work? Kick her.
  79. Did you hear about Delta Burke's tragic suicide attempt? She tried to harpoon herself.
  80. Did you hear about the Nancy Kerrigan special at Kentucky Fried Chicken? Two small breasts and a bruised thigh.
  81. How can you tell if a woman is flat-chested? She needs suspenders to hold up her bra.
  82. What do you call a 300 pound woman? Fat.
  83. Why are cyclones/tornadoes usually named after women? Because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house.
  84. What do the TV shows Green Acres and Roseanne have in common? A pig named Arnold.
  85. What's Roseanne Barr's favourite sex toy? Ben-Wa basketballs.
  86. How can you tell a woman is really trashy? She brings a date to her wedding.
  87. How can you tell a woman is really ugly? A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad.
  88. How can you tell your wife is really gross? One day she doesn't wear under wear and the dog pukes.
  89. How do you know a woman is too fat? Young lovers try to carve their initials into her leg.
  90. How can you tell if a woman's cooking is really lousy? Natives from the Amazon come to dip their arrows in it.
  91. Did you hear about the new feminine hygiene spray called SSY? That's what you have left after you take the PU out of pussy.
  92. Why do women have two holes? So when they get drunk you can carry them like a six-pack.
  93. How are clams like women? When the red tide comes you don't eat them.
  94. What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
  95. Why did God create lesbians? So feminists couldn't breed.
  96. Why do women have belly buttons? To hold your gum on the way down.
  97. Why did the Army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf? They fought like animals and retained water for four days.
  98. Why is a fat woman like a moped? They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn t want your friends to see you on either.
  99. Why can't you trust women? How can you trust something that can bleed for five days and not die?
  100. What's the best thing about a blowjob? Ten minutes of silence.
  101. How can you tell a woman is wearing pantyhose? Her ankles swell up when she farts.
  102. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? They don t have balls to scratch.
  103. What do women and jelly have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.
  104. What s the difference between a women's athletics team and a tribe of pygmies? The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
  105. What s the best thing to give an 80 year old woman? Mikey - He'll eat anything.
  106. What's the definition of a woman? A life support system for a pussy.
  107. Why do women have legs? So they won't leave snail tracks.
  108. Why do women have arms? Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
  109. What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant? Her legs.
  110. Did you hear about the new all female delivery service? It s called UPMS - they deliver whenever the fuck they feel like it.
  111. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.