Computer and software support jokes

Computer and software support jokes

The upgrade...
Computer Dictionary
New supportfees
Computer one-liners
Is Win 95 a virus??
Different types of Computer users


The upgrade...

I write this letter since I'm very disappointed with your product.

Earlier I had a few minor problems when I tried to run GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed.
It seemed they both wanted to use the same port and conflicted. I tried to unistall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't come with an uninstall program, so I removed it by hand, but it had left files in my system directory that interfered with the running of the 2.0. At first I thought I had to completely erase the old directories, but later the 3.0 worked great after removing some of the heavy graphics, so I guess it was just a memory problem. Anyway, I have been completely satisfied since the 3.1 was released. (I especially appreciated the fast access and handy buttons)

But then last year, I finally, after an attack of massive marketing, upgraded my old, but still working, GirlFriend 3.1 to Fiancee 1.0.
I was told I would get lots of benefits, like free lifetime support, but so far I haven't seen much of it...
Neither was I informed that this would also force me into investing in the Wife 1.0 so soon. One day my SexLife Manager just wouldn't start. After trying to reach the support for weeks I finally got a reply telling me the only solution was to upgrade.
So I did... And it took all available space, but still refused to work.

The upgrade has been a costly matter for me. For example, the Wife 1.0 just wouldn't accept my old hardware, so I had to spend a fortune on new machinery. Being totally object oriented, it only supports hardware with gold plated contacts. And although I did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with pre-installed, resource-consuming, integrated Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw, BrotherInLaw and MoneySpender.
It's amazing how MoneySpender, being just a betarelease, seems to be the only well functioning application, especially if you have the optional SmartCard unit.

But worst of all; The Wife 1.0 must be running before I can do anything else, or I just won't get access. And I have also found there are undocumented bugs that cannot be fixed. How come the manual doesn't mention how important it is to have a a full backup of the prenup.agr before installing the Wife 1.0??

Bug report:
If I try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
A very annoying feature: If I don't pay attention, everytime I connect, the Wife 1.0 automatically wants to install the Wife 1.0 Plus. (Marketing name: Family Pack). If I don't remember to cancel in time it will be automatically installed. I missed that, and even though the FamilyPack has great advantages, especially the games, it is far too expensive.

I have spent lots of money getting an expert to help me uninstall the Wife 1.0 and believe i finally got a clean start. Now I have a list of features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0:

  • - Multitasking
  • - Virus shield
  • - "Abort" button
  • - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
and for the wife 2.0:
  • - A "Don't remind me again" button
  • - Minimize button
  • - Shutdown feature

    Best regards,
    Dick Hackman

Computer Terms (Now with Software terms section)

  • /2
    A mathematical symbol meaning "only half of the real value," as in 1/2 or PS/2.
  • 386
    No, 486: Oops, 586: the *only* chip to consider if you're buying a DOS machine. Until Intel ramps up the 686.
  • 640K
    The salary the average Wall Street PC analyst pulls in each year.
  • Algorithm
    A catchy 1930 song by George and Ira Gershwin.
  • Alpha
    Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
  • Availability
    Date when a dozen copies of the beta version will be hurriedly shrink-wrapped for the benefit of the press and the investment community.
  • Backup
    The chore you were really, honestly going to do the very next thing before you switched drive letters and accidently copied older, out-of-date versions of your files over all your new ones at 3 a.m.
  • Beta
    Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work." 
  • Bit
    A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit."
  • Boot
    What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.
  • Buffer
    The only other job - involving a chamois at the car wash - for which most computer store salespeople are qualified.
  • Bug
    What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes.
    Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.
  • Bundled software
    Free applications like home dentistry packages and Esperanto spelling dictionaries that are thrown in with cheap clones so you think you're getting real value for your money.
  • CD-ROM
    a $100 mechanism in a $1200 cabinet that accesses vast quantities of valuable information too slowly to use.
  • Chips
    The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
  • Computer
    Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
  • Copy
    What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.
  • Copy protection
    A sly technique employed by hardware vendors to combat software piracy by continually changing the size and compatibility of disk drives (from 160K to 320K to 360K to 1.2MB to 720K to 1.4MB, etc).
  • CP/M:
    An antiquated operating system from the early days of computing, based on inscrutable prompts like A>, terse commands, and absurdly backward conventions such as 11- character limits on file names. Contrasted with today's modern versions of DOS.
  • CPU
    Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286, a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a 486. 
  • Cursor
    What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!"
  • Database, flat-file
    a program selling for under $500 that most people use to keep lists of names and addresses, etc.
  • Database, relational/programmable
    A program selling for over $500 that most people use to keep lists of names and addresses, etc.
  • Debugging
    The process of uncovering glitches by packaging prerelease software as finished products, then waiting for irate customers to report problems.
  • Default Directory
    Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.
  • Disk
    What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.
  • Downward compatibility
    You really didn't have to spend the money for the upgraded version, since all you use anyway is the old set of features.
  • Dump
    The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.
  • End user
    One born every minute.
  • Entry level
    Only slightly above most users' heads.
  • Error
    What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."
  • Error message
    Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.
  • Expanded memory
    RAM that is, uh, well, um, different from extended memory.
  • Expansion slot
    The computer didn't come with everything you needed.
  • Expansion Unit
    The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
  • Extended memory
    RAM that is, uh, well, um, different from expanded memory.
  • Fax
    Originally a last resort for procrastinators who missed the final Federal Express pickup; these days, an expensive way to order lunch from the pizza place around the corner.
  • File
    What your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.

    A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
  • Firmware
    Software with permanent bugs hardwired into it.
  • Floppy
    The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips").
  • Hardware
    Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.

    Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.
  • Help
    The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.
  • IBM
    The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
  • Icon
    One picture is worth a thousand lawsuits. Or, as Shakespeare might have put it, "He who steals my trash can better have a large purse."
  • Installation routine
    A process employed by many applications to overwrite and thereby trash the user's existing and painstakingly created AUTOEXEC.BAT and CONFIG.SYS files.
  • Input/Output
    Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
  • Interface, character-based
    A way of presenting information to the user that's *every bit as good* as a graphical user interface except in the areas of readability, ease of use, intuitiveness, and productivity.
  • Interface, graphical user (GUI)
    An increasingly popular way of presenting information to the user, originally designed by Xerox PARC and now being adopted by dozens of competitors; otherwise known as the Trial Attorney Full Employment Act.
  • Interim Release
    A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.
  • Live links
    A clever system that lets you unknowingly corrupt data in lots of separate files at the same time.
  • Low-bandwidth
    The process of talking to corporate press relations official.
    (Question: How many IBM PR types does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: We'll have to get back to you on that.)
  • Memory
    Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
  • Menu
    What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
  • Monitor
    Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.
  • Nanosecond
    The time it takes after your warranty expires for your hard disk to start making a noise like a monkey wrench in a blender.
  • NiCad Battery
    A cell that powers a laptop long enough to let you do three solid hours of work, then dies before you're ready to save any of it to disk.
  • Open system
    Made up of parts from different manufacturers so that, when you crash, each vendor can blame the others.
  • Optional
    It should have come free, but someone in the marketing department ran 1-2-3 and figured they'd double their profits this way.
  • Parity
    A ninth memory bit that one time in nine will crash an otherwise perfectly functioning system when it detects an error in itself.
  • Partition
    A wall you have to build around a noisy dot-matrix printer that makes only slightly less noise than a tree chipper.
  • Point-and-shoot
    You mean you'd rather click on a menu choice than have to type things like DEVICE=\DOS\UTS\DRIVER.SYS /D:0 /T:80 /S:15 /H:2 /C /F:1 ?
  • Power surge
    What an MIS director feels when he denies you access to your own database.
  • Power user
    Someone who's read the manual all the way through once.
  • Printer
    A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
  • Productivity
    Printing out 30 different versions of your document before getting the spacing correct.
  • Programs
    Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.
  • Programmers
    Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
  • Real-time clock
    a $50 option based on a five-cent chip.
  • Reference Manual
    Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
  • Return
    What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.
  • SAA
    Silly And Awkward.
  • Scheduled Release Date
    A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
  • Shell
    A clumsy program that forces users to stumble through ten menus to get anything done in DOS instead of typing a simple three-letter command.
  • Shock-mounted
    Make sure you're sitting down when you ask the price.
  • Spreadsheet
    Sophisticated software that can be used as a database, rudimentary word processor, graphing program, and, in a pinch, a ledger.
  • Stack
    The place in the corner of the room where you pile unopened software manuals.
  • Standard
    Manufactured by the company that does the flashiest advertising.
  • Support
    Fast, simple, courteous, friendly, accurate help available to any user who happens to work for any company that bought 1,000 copies of the product.
  • Terminal
    A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.
  • Throughput
    What you feel like doing with your foot and your computer screen after you see the message "General Failure Error Reading Drive C:".
  • Toll-free hotline
    An AT&T repairman's busy-signal test number.
  • Toner cartridge
    A device to refill laser printers; invented by the Association of American Drycleaners.
  • Torture test
    Everyone - from the UPS guy to the clerk who opened the box to the intern who executed the speed tests - accidentally dropped it.
  • Tutorial
    A program that forces you to sit through lessons on every last obscure and little-used feature of an application while ignoring overall fundamental tricks that would make you far more productive.
  • Unix, year of
    See Calendar, perpetual.
  • User-Friendly
    Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
  • Users
    Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
    - Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
    - Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
    - Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.
  • Value-added
    A lot more expensive.
  • Virus
    Commonly, the belief of incompetent users that some mysterious external force is to blame for their mistakes at the keyboard.
  • Window
    What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.
  • Workstation
    Any PC that sells for more than $10,000.
  • XT
    All the computer that most users who just type letters or run typical spreadsheets will ever need, even though a 386 machine will reformat their text a whole tenth of a second faster.

    Software Release Terms        Top of page

  • NEW
    Different colors from the previous version
  • Loaded with new features
    We decided to forgo beta testing on this puppy
  • Includes an API for developers
    It's there, but you have to figure out how to write a library to get to it
  • Graphical User Interface
    It'll scramble your display
  • Improved Documentation
    This time we told you how to install it
  • Unlimited license
    We don't give you ANY rights to it at all!
  • Free updates
    We're done with it - no more revisions!
  • 800 number tech support
    Which will be disconnected tomorrow
  • $50 rebate offer
    $50.00 when you demand a refund because it doesn't actually work
  • Industry Leader
    No one else had the guts to sell it at this price, but we know you'll be suckered
  • Written with OOP in mind
    That's what our programmers said, "oops!"
  • Over 30,000 copies in use
    We only sold 3, but we figure that many have been passed around
  • In use over 5 years
    It took us that long to get it working
  • Rated "best buy" by <name>
    We pay a lot of money for expensive ads
  • Fourth generation product
    The first three were "stillborn"
  • We listen to our users
    We just don't do anything they request
  • $495 list, no only $395
    We just raised the price from $95
  • Rated #1 by industry
    My cousin Ernie drives a trash truck, and he likes it better than anything else
  • Works with most video types
    Just not yours
  • Convenient On-Line support
    We've found it very convenient to ignore messages there!
  • 24-hour hotline
    And boy, do they get hot when they discover we're absent 24 hours a day!
Top of page


New Support Fees:
(Thanks Cadder for the list)
  • Calling me with a question - $10
  • Calling me with a stupid question - $30
  • Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $50
  • Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem description - $1000 + punitive damages
  • Questions received via phone without first trying help desk - $50
  • Questions where answer is in TFM (the f 'n manual) - $100.00
  • Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once - $100
  • Insisting that you're not breaking the software, and the problem is on my end somehow - $200
  • Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $25/step
  • Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile + gas + maccas
  • If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's problem - $170/hr
  • If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $250/hr
  • If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr
  • If you've come to ask me why something isn't working while I'm currently working on it- $270/hr
  • If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday - ...$175/hr
  • If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never did fix - $85/hr
  • If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work - $95/hr
  • If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the room who could have done it for you - $150/hr
  • Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately after hanging up the phone - $1500.00
  • Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having and which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it.-1700.00
  • Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your personal machine at home - $500.00
  • Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do - $150.00
  • Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to do - $300.00
  • Not telling all of your co-workers about it - $850.00
  • Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive - $50.00
  • BEFORE I order your replacement hard drive - $250.00
  • Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad - $25.00
  • Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees - $35.00
  • Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - $50.00
  • Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge - $35.00
  • Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button - $250.00
  • Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on - $200.00
  • Fixing the "hung" system by plugging the ethernet connector back in - $375.00
  • Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord someone accidentially yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real' sysadmin has just left for a two week vacation - $400
  • Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the monitor lead back in - $50
  • Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have an account there - $10
  • Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to have an account on because you used it to try to break into the above server - $500
  • Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger - $25
  • Changing partitions without informing me first - $50
  • Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first - $100 per program
  • Technical support for the above programs - $150 per hour (regardless of whether I know the program or not :))
  • Spilling coke on keyboard - $25 plus cost of keyboard
  • Spilling coke on monitor - $50 plus cost of monitor
  • Spilling coke on CPU - $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system
  • Leaving files on desktop - $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left unclaimed
  • Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve - $50 plus cost of sleeve plus cost of therapy :)
  • Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix a brand new machine - $200
  • Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus - $25
  • Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through city streets - $50
  • Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say... "So that's what the little box that popped up on my screen was telling me to do]" - $40
  • Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Nevermind." - $35 (including discount for polite apology)
  • Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software - $25
  • Dealing with "How can I get another copy of ?obviously pirated software|? Mine just died." requests - $45
  • Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about that; why don't you try calling the number on the box in which you bought it?" line - $55
  • Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get the hint in the previous response - $95 (includes instructions for getting freeware replacements from the public file server)
  • Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger than 18 points - $15
  • If I wrote the sign - $45
  • If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor facing the door - $75
  • Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem - $25.00
  • Reporting it more than once - $50.00
  • Reporting it more than once and implying slothfullness on tech support's inability to solve problem - $200.00
    Mobile Prices:
  • Calling me when I'm out with the significant other - $150
  • Calling me when I'm out of town and I took pains to insure that help files were left all over and that diagnostics had been run on al machines before I left - $200
  • Calling me more than once to tell me that the printer's offline and the fix is to press the On Line button - $200
  • Calling me more than once while I'm asleep - $50 per call
  • Calling me and not identifying yourself within the first 5 seconds - $55
  • Calling me and then changing your story / denying you placed the call / hoped I would forget who caused the problem - $500
    Special Rates:
  • Dealing with user body odor - $175.00/hour
  • Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at site - $150.00/hour
  • Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still calls every other day for help - $300.00/hour
  • Dealing with computer hobbyists - $500.00/hour
  • Questioning the other prices .................................$50

  • Top of page

    One Line jokes 'bout computers

    Computer One-line jokes & Quotes
    1. !sgub evah t'nseod CP sihT ?sgub naem ayaddahW
    2. #define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare.
    3. <-------- The information went data way -------->
    4. .signature not found! reformat hard drive? [Yn]
    5. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
    6. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
    7. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
    8. 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
    9. 29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast.
    10. 640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates, 1981
    11. A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1
    12. A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
    13. A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
    14. A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
    15. A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
    16. A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.
    17. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
    18. A fault tolerant system must report the faults even as it tolerates them.
    19. A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. - Laura Creighton
    20. A list is only as strong as its weakest link. - Don Knuth
    21. A mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available.
    22. A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
    23. AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
    24. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
    25. (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (V)alium?
    26. (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer.
    27. (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)ee in drive door
    28. (A)bort, (R)etry, (S)elf-destruct?
    29. (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
    30. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
    31. According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
    32. After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
    33. All computers run at the same speed...with the power off.
    34. All computers wait at the same speed.
    35. All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken.
    36. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
    37. All you need to know is the user interface. - J. Redford
    38. An algorithm must be seen to be believed. - D. E. Knuth
    39. An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
    40. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
    41. And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
    42. Another megabytes the dust.
    43. Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.
    44. Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. - Ted Nelson
    45. Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
    46. Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. - Kulawiec
    47. APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.
    48. APL is a write-only language. - Roy Keir
    49. Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies.
    50. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
    51. As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. - Weisert
    52. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
    53. ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
    54. Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
    55. Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim.
    56. Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable.
    57. Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
    58. Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF (or better yet, just avoid Fortran).
    59. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
    60. Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
    61. Bad style destroys an otherwise superb program.
    62. Backup not found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (M)assive heart failure?
    63. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
    64. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
    65. Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
    66. Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
    67. Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. - Tom Lehrer
    68. BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. - Seymour Papert
    69. Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
    70. Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
    71. Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. - Donald Knuth
    72. Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. - Leonard Brandwein
    73. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
    74. Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try.
    75. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
    76. Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. -T. John Wendel
    77. But what ... is it good for?" - Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,1968, commenting on the microchip
    78. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
    79. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
    80. C:\> File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
    81. C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
    85. Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.
    86. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
    87. Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
    88. CCCP:> format CCCP: /u
    89. CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
    90. CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
    91. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
    92. Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.
    93. Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."
    94. Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.
    95. Computer possessed? Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS
    96. Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
    97. Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them.
    98. Computers are not intelligent; they only think they are.
    99. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. - Gilb
    100. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso
    101. Computers are only human.
    102. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
    103. Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
    104. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?
    105. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
    106. Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?
    107. Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
    108. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
    109. Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will.
    110. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
    111. Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
    112. Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
    113. Do you like me for my brain or my baud?
    114. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
    115. Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it.
    116. Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
    117. Don't document the program; program the document.
    118. Don't stop at one bug.
    120. DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere.
    121. E Pluribus Modem
    122. E=Mc^5...nahhh...E=Mc^4...nahh...E=Mc^3...ah, the hell with it.
    123. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
    124. Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can.
    125. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
    126. Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated.
    127. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
    128. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
    129. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
    130. Every bug you find is the last one.
    131. Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
    132. Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug.
    133. Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
    134. f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
    135. Finish your mail packet! Children are offline in India.
    136. Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded.
    137. fortune: No such file or directory
    138. From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.*
    139. Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer.
    140. God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
    141. God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
    142. Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.
    143. grep..grep..grep... (Frog with UNIX stuck in its' throat)
    144. Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
    146. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
    147. Hex dump: Where witches put used curses...
    148. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
    149. Hit any user to continue.
    150. Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
    151. How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file...
    152. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
    153. I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
    154. I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
    155. I am the computer your mother warned you about.
    156. I came, I saw, I deleted all your files..
    157. I bet the human brain is a kludge. - Marvin Minsky
    158. I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year. - The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
    159. I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.
    160. I heard that Bill Gates's wedding night will be less than blissful for his new bride. She will find out why his company is named Microsoft.
    161. I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
    162. I just found the last bug.
    163. I modem, but they grew back.
    164. I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
    165. I used to have a life, then I got v32bis!
    166. I write all my critical routines in assembler, and my comedy routines in FORTRAN. -Anonymous
    167. I'm a modemer and I'm OK. I post all night and I sleep all day.
    168. I'm not a sysop, I just play one on the echoes.
    169. IBM: It may be slow, but at least it's expensive.
    170. IBM: you can buy better, but you can't pay more
    171. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
    172. If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
    173. If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta test.
    174. If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft.
    175. If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
    176. If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. -Dykstra
    177. If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.
    178. If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.
    179. IF numcooks > .maxcooks THEN;SET V broth = 'spoiled';END
    180. If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.
    181. If speed scares you, try Windows...
    182. If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
    183. If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. - Schryer
    184. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a FAX? ...... About 85% of a GIF.
    185. [If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses]
    186. If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
    187. Ifyoucanreadthis,youspendtoomuchtimefiguringouttaglines!
    188. In God we trust; all else we walk through.
    189. Include this in your CONFIG.SYS File: BUGS=OFF
    190. Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
    191. It can't be full...I Still Have Subdirectories!
    192. It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
    193. It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
    194. It is ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
    195. It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
    196. It wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. - Wilkes, 1949
    197. It's only ones and zeros.
    198. It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant
    199. It's starting to rain, .SQZ the animals into the .ARC !
    200. Itsdifficulttobeverycreativewithonlyfiftysevencharacters!
    201. Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.
    202. Keyboard Not Found - Press [F1] to Continue
    203. Know Thy User.
    204. Linux, the choice of a GNU generation.
    205. Liposuction will destroy your FAT.
    206. Listen here! i have first amendent righ(@#$!9*&^ NO CARRIER...
    207. Life would be much easier if I had the source code.
    208. Logic is neither an art or a science but a dodge.
    209. Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
    210. LOTUS - Let Only The Users Suffer.
    211. LSD: virtual reality without the expensive hardware.
    212. Machine independent code isn't.
    213. Machine independent: Does not run on any existing machine.
    214. Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
    215. Make it possible to write programs in English and you will quickly discover that programmers do not know how to write in English.
    216. Make it right before you make it faster.
    217. Make sure all variables are initialized before use.
    218. Make sure comments and code agree.
    219. Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully.
    220. Managing programmers is like herding cats.
    221. Maniac: An early computer built by nuts...
    222. Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.
    223. Mary had a little RAM -- only about a MEG or so.
    224. May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive.
    225. Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. - R. S. Barton
    226. Me and my two friends... GIF and Wesson.
    227. Memory dump: Amnesia...
    228. Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors.
    229. Megabyte: A nine course dinner.
    230. Microsoft gives you Windows... OS/2 gives you the whole house.
    231. Microsoft Windows... a virus with mouse support.
    232. Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...
    233. MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.
    234. Misspelled? Impossible. My modem is error correcting!
    235. Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds...
    236. Modem: What landscapers do to dem lawns.
    237. Mommy! The cursor's winking at me!
    238. Mostly, when you see programmers, they aren't doing anything. One of the attractive things about programmers is that you cannot tell whether or not they are working simply by looking at them. Very often they're sitting there seemingly drinking coffee and gossiping, or just staring into space. What the programmer is trying to do is get a handle on all the individual and unrelated ideas that are scampering around in his head. - Charles M. Strauss
    239. Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye, Captain... 300 DPI?
    240. MS Windows -- From the people who brought you EDLIN!
    241. MS-DOS: celebrating ten years of obsolescence.
    242. MS-DOS - Just say "no" - David Yolt
    243. Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
    244. Multitasking = 3 PCs and a chair with wheels!
    245. Multitasking causes schizophrenia..
    246. Murphy is out there... waiting...
    247. Murphy was an optimist.
    248. Murphy's law needs to be repealed.
    249. My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel.
    250. My computer has a terminal illness
    251. My computer isn't that's just a bit ANSI.
    252. My computer NEVER cras
    253. My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier.
    254. My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's.
    255. My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
    256. My other computer is a Cray Y/MP-4!
    257. My other computer is a HAL 9000.
    258. My other computer is an abacus.
    259. My RAM's not what it used to be, so don't quote me.
    260. My sister gave up on Computing Dating after she was stood up by two mainframes, a mini, and a laptop.
    261. My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.
    262. My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.
    263. Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded theater.
    264. NETWORK: What fishermen do when not fishing.
    265. Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
    266. Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. - D. Gries
    267. Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. - Steinbach
    268. Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor
    269. Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt
    270. Never trust a man who can count to 1,023 on his fingers
    271. Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\
    272. Nice computers don't go down.
    273. No .sig is a good .sig
    274. No line available at 300 baud.
    275. No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system.
    276. No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates.
    277. No wanna work. Wanna bang on keyboard.
    278. Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
    279. None of you exist, my Sysop types all this in.
    280. Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...
    281. Not a computer nerd; merely a techno-weenie.
    282. Nothing is 100% certain, bug free or IBM compatible.
    283. .... now touch these wires to your tongue!
    284. Number Crunching: Jumping on a Computer.
    285. Of course I'm running Windows[kVxB NO CARRIER ...
    286. Old MacDonald had a computer with an EIE I/O
    287. On a clear disk you can seek forever. - Denning
    288. One man's constant is another man's variable. - Perlis
    289. One man's upload is another man's download
    290. One person's error is another person's data.
    291. One picture is worth 1K words.
    292. Only 19,999 lines of C++ to my next ski trip...
    293. OS/2 - Not just another pretty program loader!
    294. OS/2 - Taking the wind out of Windows.
    295. OS/2 - The nightmare continues...
    296. OS/2 - Windows with bullet-proof glass.
    297. OS/2 is not about fixing old Windows, but opening new doors.
    298. OS/2 VirusScan - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/y)"
    299. Out of Memory!? But I fed you 6 Megs this morning!
    300. Pascal: What's it Wirth?
    301. Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
    302. PC! Politically Correct (or) Pure Crap!
    303. PCBackup: 1 of 1362 disks.
    304. People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. - Jon Bentley
    305. PKZip - it's not just for downloads anymore.
    306. Please call the windows police. I've caught another gpf.
    307. Please Tell Me if you Don't Get This Message
    308. Point not found. A)bort, R)eread, I)gnore.
    309. Pound forehead on keyboard to continue.
    310. Press -- to continue...
    311. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
    312. Press any key...NO, NO, NO, NOT THAT ONE!!!!!!
    313. Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.
    314. Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
    315. Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
    316. Programming is an art form that fights back.
    317. Programming is an unnatural act.
    318. Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
    319. Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer.
    320. Protect your software at all costs; all else is meat.
    321. RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
    322. Random access is the optimum of the mass storages.
    323. Read my chips: No new upgrades!
    324. Real men write self-modifying code.
    325. Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.
    326. Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
    327. Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE
    328. Real programs don't eat cache.
    329. REALITY.DAT not found. Atempting to restore Universe......
    330. REALITY.SYS Corrupted- reboot Universe (Y/N)?
    331. REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable to recover Universe
      Press Esc key to reboot Universe, or any other key to continue...
    332. Relax, it's only ones and zeros!
    333. Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)
    334. Return((usBirdInHand = 2 * InTheBush()));
    335. Romulan warbird decloaking sir... { [2Yaj NO CARRIER.
    336. S met ing's hap ening t my k ybo rd . .
    337. Scotty! Hurry! Beam me uragg^*z~% NO CARRIER...
    338. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
    339. SET DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment.
    340. Software is to computers as yeast is to dough. - Chuck Bradshaw
    341. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
    342. Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
    343. Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!
    344. Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...
    345. Stack manipulation - the use of inflatable falsies. -Datamazing, 4/1/78
    346. Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...
    347. Set mode=Extremely verbose
    348. Shareware author dies: .GIF at eleven!
    349. Shareware: forget the the author at home!
    350. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
    351. Shh! Be vewy quiet, I'm hunting wuntime errors!
    352. Shoot your program and put it out of its memory!
    353. Six of one, 110 (base 2) of another.
    354. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
    355. So many bytes, so few cps.
    356. Software Independent: Won't work with ANY software.
    357. Software means never having to say you're finished.
    358. Sorry... my mind has a few bad sectors.
    359. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (yep/Nope)
    360. Space is an illusion, disk space doubly so.
    361. Spellchecker not found. Press -- to continue ...
    362. Strike any user when ready.
    363. Syntax? Why not--they tax everything else!
    364. System Error: press F13 to continue...
    365. System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.
    366. Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. - R. S. Barton
    367. Terminal glare: A look that kills...
    368. That does not compute.
    369. The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
    370. The backup's not over 'til the FAT table sings!
    371. The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2
    372. The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
    373. The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language.
    374. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. -Robert R. Coveyou Oak Ridge National Laboratory
    375. The Microsoft Motto: "We're the leaders, wait for us!"
    376. The name is Baud......, James Baud.
    377. The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" interrupt.
    378. The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. (6/72)
    379. The only thing good about "standards" in computer science is that there are so many to choose from.
    380. The option to override self-destruct expir@^%i@&$#NO CARRIER....
    381. The Parity Check is in the E-Mail...
    382. The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.
    383. The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. -Weinberg, p.152
    384. The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
    385. The secret of the universe is~~*#~** FF * NO CARRIER...
    386. The UARTs won't take this speed, Captain
    387. The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
    388. The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
    389. The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion.
    390. There are always at least two ways to program the same thing.
    391. There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
    392. There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
    393. There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
    394. This BBS is ancient. Some say from the echocene.
    395. This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
    396. This login session: $13.76, but for you: $11.88.
    397. This message is SHAREWARE! To Register, send $5.
    398. This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
    399. This program makes me look like a genius.
    400. This score just in: OS/2, Windows 0.
    401. This time it will surely run.
    402. Those who can't write, write help files.
    403. Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!
    404. Tilt your chair back, your breath is effecting my RAM!
    405. To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
    406. To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
    407. To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
    408. To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
    409. To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
    410. To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
    411. Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator
    412. Toto, I don't think we're in DOS anymore...
    413. Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes...
    414. Try not to let implementation details sneak into design documents.
    415. Turning floppies into hard drives.
    416. UART what UEAT!
    417. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
    418. Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted!
    419. Unix and the world Unix with you; VAX and you VAX alone.
    420. [Unix] is not necessarily evil, like OS/2. - Peter Norton
    421. Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.
    422. USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.
    423. Users, losers -- what's the difference?
    424. "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
    425. Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard?
    426. VLSI: "Getting High On Low Voltage"
    427. Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD!
    428. W.A.R.P.: We Are Real Programmers.
    429. Wanna flirt with disaster? Become a SysOp!
    430. Want a LAUGH run a spell check on DSZ docs.Was that your wife I saw in that GIF?
    431. We all live in a yellow subroutine.
    432. We don't care. We don't have to. We're Telecom...
    433. What do computer engineers use for birth control? Their personalities.
    434. What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer.
    435. When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes.
    436. When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't.
    437. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
    438. Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?
    439. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or file name!"
    440. Why look thru Windows? Open the door to the future: OS/2
    441. Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
    442. Windows Error #004: Operator fell asleep while waiting.
    443. Windows Error #F99 - CPU too tired to continue...
    444. Windows Error 000 : No errors found! [CLOSE]
    445. Windows is not a virus. Viruses do something!
    446. Windows is for fun, OS/2 is for getting things done.
    447. Windows is the best GUI - It always sticks!
    448. Windows isn't CrippleWare -- it's "Functionally Challenged".
    449. Windows N'T: as in Wouldn't, Couldn't, and Didn't.
    450. Windows NT: From the makers of Doublespace.
    451. Windows NT: Only 16 megs needed to play Minesweeper!
    452. Windows NT: The world's only 80 megabyte Solitaire game!
    453. Windows NT: Vapourware of the desperate and scared.
    454. Windows only crashes itself under OS/2. Not the whole machine.
    455. Windows punts, OS/2 receives. Touchdown!
    456. Windows would look better with curtains.
    457. Windows-Brain Dead, OS/2-for people who can chew gum and think!
    458. Windows: an Unrecoverable Acquisition Error!
    459. Windows: Just another pain in the glass.
    460. Windows: The answer to a question nobody has ever asked.
    461. Windows: Training wheels for OS/2.
    462. WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses...
    463. WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation...
    464. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
    465. WWhhaatt ddooeess dduupplleexx mmeeaann??
    466. WYGIWYD -What you got is what you deserved.
    467. WYTYSYDG-What you thought you saw, you didn't get.
    468. You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
    469. You can't make a program without broken egos.
    470. You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version.
    471. You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
    472. You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
    473. You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password.
    474. You might have mail.
    475. You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
    476. Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
    477. Yuk, what kind of dumb menu system is that? Oh, so that is Windows!
    478. ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.
    479. ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII...

    Top of page

    Is Win 95 a virus?

    Is Windows 95 a virus?

    Here's what viruses do:
    1. Viruses replicate quickly - okay, Win95 does that.
    2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Win95 does that.
    3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Win95 does that too.
    4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Win95 does that, too.
    5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Win95, too.

    Until this point it seemed Win95 is a virus, but we discovered fundamental shortcomings:

    Viruses generally are well-supported by their authors, run on most systems of their chosen type, use program code that is fast, elegant, compact and efficient, and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. These are categorical, but consistent, characteristics of viruses, which are inconsistent with Windows95. We must therefore disqualify it.

    Win95 is not a virus --- It's a bug.

    Top of page

    Different types of Computer Users

    Different Types of Computer Users
    1. El Explicito:
      "I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but now it doesn't, ya know?"
      Advantages: Provides interesting communication challanges.
      Disadvantages: So do chimps.
      Symptoms: Complete inability to use proper nouns
      Real Case: One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and said, "I can't get what I want!" The pod manager leaned back, put his hands on his belt-buckle, and said, "Well, ma'am, you've come to the right place."
    2. Mad Bomber:
      "Well, I hit Alt-f6, shift-f8, Cntrl-f10, f4, and f9, and now it looks all weird."
      Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems.
      Disadvantages: User might have translated document to Navajo without meaning to.
      Symptoms: More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter ratio in WordPerfect
      Real Case: One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document was underlined. When reveal codes was used on it, it was found that he'd set and unset underline more than fifty times in his document.
    3. Frying Pan/Fire Tactician:
      "It didn't work with the data set we had, so I fed in my aunt's recipe for key lime pie."
      Advantages: Will usually fix error.
      Disadvantages: 'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here.
      Symptoms: A tendancy to delete lines that get errors instead of fixing them.
      Real Case: One user complained that their program executed, but didn't do anything. The scon looked at it for twenty minutes before realizing that they'd commented out EVERY LINE. The user said, "Well, that was the only way I could get it to compile."
    4. Shaman:
      "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick, and formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo, it did compile."
      Advantages: Gives insight into primative mythology.
      Disadvantages: Few scons are anthropology majors.
      Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelavent objects.
      Real Case: One user complained that all information on one of their disks got erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but empty sectors, probably nothing had ever been on it). Reasoning that the deleted information went *somewhere*, they wouldn't shut up until four different disks were checked for the missing information.
    5. X-user:
      "Will you look at, that resolution, quite impressive, really."
      Advantages: Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
      Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
      Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindness
      Real Case: Two users sat down at a DEC station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring. For twenty minutes, they sat down and did their best to act like they were doing exectly what they wanted to do, even though they couldn't log in.
    6. Miracle Worker:
      "But it read a file from it yesterday!" 'Sir, at a guess, this disk has been swollowed and regurgitated.' "But I did that a month ago, and it read a file from it yesterday!"
      Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around.
      Disadvantages: People complain when scons actually use the word "horse-puckey".
      Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around. Must be the kryptonite in your pocket.
      Real Case: At least three users have claimed that they've loaded IBM WordPerfect from Macintosh disks.
    7. Taskmaster:
      "Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know how I can upload it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there, download it onto an IBM, convert it to WordPerfect, and put it in three-column format?"
      Advantages: Bold new challanges.
      Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.
      Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendancies to make machines do things they don't want to do.
      Real Case: One user tried to get a scon to find out what another person's E-mail address was even though the user didn't know his target's home system, account name, or real name.
    8. Maestro:
      "Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on, like this, and after that, I typed in my password, like this, and after that I edited my file, like this, and after that I went to this line here, like this, and after that I picked my nose, like this..."
      Advantages: Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.
      Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.
      Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay, but what was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the phrase, "Well, I'm getting to that."
    9. Princess:
      "I need a Mac, and someone's got the one I like reserved, would you please garrote him and put him in the paper recycling bin?"
      Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service.
      Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on this planet.
      Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by complaining.
      Real Case: One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because he (the user) didn't like it.

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