7th January 2001:
A new year has begun! I phoned the hospital last week to figure out something about
their plans for me. A nurse told me they'd decided to change the type of cytotoxin. They'd also decided to let
me have five more treatments. I've tried to contact other people who's got the same treatment as they are
planning to give me. It seems as if the new treatment won't be as tough as the ealirer one. But it makes you
more tired, totally exhaused, and it gives you pain in the body. But the sickness doesn't seem as bad. I hope
they are right. I prefer sleeping most of the time before being awake almost all the time feeling sick. On
Tuesday (9th) I'll meet my doctor and after that I'll hopefully know more.
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18th January 2001:
Two days ago I had my first chemo treatment after the operation. So far I feel very well! No
sickness, only a bit tired and dizzy in my head. Compared to the earlier treatments with FEC this Taxol
treatment feels like heaven! I've got some pain in my muscles, just as they told me is common. It started today
so I still don't know how bad it will be. But I am an optimist!
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22nd January 2001:
I've started working today. I had some ache in my body during the weekend, but it was not
so bad that I couldn't stand it - didn't need to take any painkillers. Now I almost feel "normal" again. I am so
happy! Four more treatments like this will be easy to stand!
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1st February 2001:
On Tuesday (6th) it's time for another chemo treatment. For the first time I am not at all
worried. Last treatment didn't cause me a lot of problems so let's hope it will be the same this time. Mum is
coming and she'll follow me to the hospital. She'll stay at least a couple of days and take care of me.
By the way... Today it is 9 years since my husband I was engaged. We were in Bangkok, Thailand, that day. :o)
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3rd Februrary 2001:
Can you believe it! It's -18 C (-0.4 F) here today and it seems as if it'll be even colder
during the night!. I don't remember when we had so cold temperature last time. It must be years ago!
Between 20th November last year and 16th January this year I had no chemo treatments because of the operation. That means my
hair had a chance to start growing again. It's 1,5 cm now! I knew I was going to loose it again, but I'd forgotten
it hurts. It started yesterday... Suddenly my "stubby" hair didn't stand right up on my head any longer and it hurt.
I realised it had started to fall. I'll soon be bald again.
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7th Februrary 2001:
Yesterday I had another chemo treatment - my second with Taxol. Everything was several hours
delayed as the tiny little box I have inoperated didn't seem to work. They were not sure if the tube from it still had
a conntection to a vein. I had to do an x-ray and it took time. I had to spend 9 hours instead of the ususal 4-5 hours
at the hospital. I was lucky to have my mum with me! Fortuantely nothing was wrong and finally I had my treatment.
I was quite tired yesterday evening. Today I've been feeling well. I am just a bit tired and dizzy in my head.
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19th Februrary 2001:
I haven't written anything for a while. Please, excuse me! One of my lovely visitors asked me
today. She was worried about me and I realised that there are a lot of wonderful people out there, they read my diary
and they care about me!
I am just fine and that's why I am not writing! The only problem I have is that I've got some spots/pimples on my scalp.
They are itching and I avoid using my wig when I'm at home. I really hope it'll become better soon!
Next week it's time for my third Taxol treatment. I'll meet my doctor on Monday, have some blood tests done and discuss
my health.
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1st March 2001:
It's Thursday and I had my third Taxol treatment two days ago. I am a bit tired but feel OK. Yesterday
evening my cousin Elisabeth followed me to the wig maker to try out a new wig. I found a wonderful one which I really
like. I feel like a new woman! It looks so natural. I'ts much shorter than the earlier one and it feels great.
My doctor prescribed some mixture for my itching scalp so it has become better.
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11th March 2001:
Last week my youngest daughter was ill so I had to be her "nurse". Now my oldest daughter is ill
so another week of nursing will start. I am supposed to be the weakest person in this family, but it seems as if I am
the healthiest! I really hope I won't get it! Fever, headache, pain in tummy and muscles etc. I could do without it!
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16th March 2001:
Wednesday until today both my daughters were ill... Fortunately they are both being better as tomorrow
we are leaving for one week of vacation in the north of Sweden. We hope to be able to ski and rest. I haven't been skiing
for more than 15 years so perhaps I don't remember how to do. :o)
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29th March 2001:
Came home from our vacation four days ago. It was wonderful to be able to ski (cross country) and to
enjoy the sun. I got quite a lot of pain in my muscles after the skiing, but it didn't matter! I was also very tired and
was first (wo)man in bed in the evenings and last (wo)man to join the others at breakfast in the mornings.
Two days ago
I got my fourth Taxol treatment. It gets worse each time and today I have ache... But I'll stand it! Just one or two more
treatments left now!
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31st March 2001:
The ache in my muscles has been worse than earlier. It started two days ago and I hope it will be over
soon. I really want to be able to draw more...
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12th April 2001:
Went to see my doctor - the routine check up before next treatment, which will be on Tuesday (17th).
He felt something strange in my left breast, the only one I've left now... I had a biopsy done and in about 2 weeks
I'll know the result. I am scared! Next treatment is supposed to be my last. Then I only have five weeks of daily
radiation left. I really don't want to go through anything more now! One breast is enough!
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17th April 2001:
Today I've had my fifth Taxol treatment. It was my last chemo treatment! I also go the result from
the biopsy last Thursday. The lump was NOT cancer! What a relief!!!
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20th April 2001:
I have pain in all my body and I am very tired. At the same time I've caught a cold and lost my
voice. I am not feeling very well at the moment... I've decided I have to take it easier in the future. I've trying
to go on like ususal and it just doesn't work...
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29th April 2001:
Since I decided to take it easier and think more of myself and my family I feel much better! I am
happier - not so stressed, irritated and tired. The weather has been nice with sunshine and that also makes me feel
more happy and relaxed. I've been out working in the garden without my wig. Only a cap on my head. The wig feels so
warm and uncomfortable when it gets warmer. My hair will start growing again in two or three weeks! I wonder what it
will look like.
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10th May 2001:
Perhaps today is not the right day to write. I feel bad. But there are sad days as well as happy
days! Yesterday, on my 35th birthday, I went to the radiotherapy. They tested what they'd measured out last time I
was there (12th April) and adjusted it a bit - to get the radiation exactly rigth. Today I'll have my first
radiotherapy. I'll have it every day for five weeks.
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17th May 2001:
One week has passed and I've had six radiation treatments. It makes me tired. I've also felt depressed
and irritated. I talked about that with my doctor and she said it probably depend on the anti estrogens I started to take
on May 1st. She told me it would hopefully get better in about three weeks when my body had got used to it. I hope so,
because I am going to take them for five years!
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27th May 2001:
It feels like if I am finally starting to feel better again! I am more positive and want to do things
again. Have been working in the garden and spent some time in front of my sewing machine again. It feels great!
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9th June 2001:
Next week, on Thursday 14th, I'll have my last radiotherapy. That would be something to celebrate -
no more chemo and no more radiotherapy. Life will get back to normal. But what is normal? Right now I am just able to
state that "it'll soon be over". I am not able to feel any happiness about it. I have been in the middle of this for
so long so I suppose it will take some time for me to really realize the fact that I don't have cancer any longer.
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15th June 2001:
Yesterday I had my last radiation treatment! It's over! I can still not understand it. I suppose
I have to take it easy and after some time I'll be ready to go back to "real" life again.
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19th August 2001:
It took more time than I thought to recover "mentally". I've been very irritated and angry with
everyone and had no patience at all. I've felt panic and stress. Finally, just about three weeks ago, I started to feel
somewhat "normal" again. I felt I could handle life around me and actually felt it would be nice to go back to work.
Last Thursday (16th) I started working again, but only 50% (4 hours a day) in the beginning. I know how it is to be
stressed and depressed and want to avoid that. If everything works well I'll start working more hours in October.
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30th September 2001:
I won't start working more hours tomorrow... To work 50% is still just about what I am able
to manage. After my 4 hours at work I need some hours on my own to relax and just do nice things that I like. I am in a
new period of panic and stress. I easily start crying. I am irritated and my patience is bad.
I am seeing my therapist at the cancer clinic once a week now. She say's it's quite common to feel like this after having
gone through all what I've done during the last year. It takes time...
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22nd October 2001:
My hair is growing out more and more each day. I should feel happy. But when I look at myself in the
mirror I see someone else. I don't like my new short and curly hairstyle. It's not me! I know - it grows about 1 cm each month...
so soon...
I have just one breast. It looks strange. I will have a breast reconstruction, but not now... I have to wait at
least one and a half year. There are other women before me.... It's so hard to feel happy when you don't like yourself any
longer.
I have been so strong during all these period, but not now. Now when all should be over I mostly feel sad.
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23rd November 2001:
I've started to feel much better. I like going to work and I've slowly started to enjoy life again!
I have more energy and want to do things again.
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