Before criticising someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Than when you do criticise them, you will be mile away and have their shoes.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, men they're gone.

If trees could screem, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks".

When I found the scull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But than I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started to wonder who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

If a kid asks where the rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did".

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into panic.

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and than meybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money".

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas whith some good ideas.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and they guy was reading a magazine.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?