Nästa kille kommer fram med en trumpet. Bläckfisken tar trumpeten, slickar sig om läpparna Och drar igång ett fantastiskt jazz solo, allar jublar på baren och ägaren till bläckfisken tjänade ytterligare 500:-!
Barägaren som hade sett allting, funderade en stund. Sedan gick han ut på baksidan,och kommer tillbaka med en säckpipa. Han lägger upp säckpipan på bardisken och säger " Om din Bläckfisk lyckas spela på den här så ska du få 1000:-"
Bläckfisken kollar på säckpipan, lyfter upp den och tittar, vänder på den och kollar ifrån en annan vinkel.
Otålig avbryter ägaren bläckfiskens koncentration. "Vad velar du för, skynda på och sätt igång och spela!
Då säger bläckfisken: "Spela? Jag funderar fortfarande hur jag ska ta av hennes pyjamas"
To which the bartender looks at them both and exclaims "Hey! You can talk! This is wild! I'm buying you both a beer".
They both thank him and proceed to enjoy their libation.
After awhile, the man excuses himself to go to the bathroom and the bartender leans over the bar and asks the dog if he'll "go over to the 7-11 across the street and ask for change from a $20 to buy a newspaper. He tells the dog that his friend across the street would get a kick out of it. In return, he'll buy beers for the both of them for the rest of the day and keep the $20 for his trouble.
The dog agrees and taking the $20 in his mouth, walks out of the bar.
When the man comes out of the bathroom, he asks where his dog has gone and panics when he is told the dog has gone outside without him.
He runs outside and begins to cross the street when he hears a sound in the alley next to the bar. When he turns into the alley, he discovers his dog humping a French Poodle. Shock, the man looks to his dog and says "Rex, how could you? You've NEVER done anything like this before!"
The dog looks up at him and says "Frankly, I've never had a $20 bill before!"
Det var tre killar som kom till helvetet: Sadie, Sören och Micke Wester. Dom var lite bekymrade i denna pressade situation. Dom blev invisade i ett rum. Plötslig öppnas det en dörr, där står den fulaste kvinna dom någonsin hade sett. Hon var 150 cm lång och lika bred, skitig och luktade så illa att det rann i ögonen på våra hjältar.
Då hörs djävulens röst "Sadie! Du har syndat. Du är kommenderad att tillbringa 24 timmar om dygnet i sängen med denna kvinna", och ett gäng demoner tar tag i Sadie och leder honom in i ett sovrum tillsammans med denna monster.
Detta chockade de andra två, så båda hoppade till när en ny dörr öppnades, där stod ett ännu mer missfoster, det var en jättekvinna som var 2.10 lång, monsterlik, hon hade ett flottigt äckligt hår, och ett gäng spyflugor svärmande ovanför sitt huvud. Åter igen hördes djävulens röst " Sören! Du har syndat. Du är kommenderad att tillbringa 24 timmar om dygnet i sängen med detta "freak", Och Sören blev också hämtad av ett gäng demoner.
Micke Wester som nu var ensam, kände sig otroligt rädd och fruktade det värsta, när den tredje dörren öppnades. I dörren stod ..Cindy Crawford! Micke Wester sken upp och slickade sig om munnen samtidigt som han spanade in en mycket lättklädd Cindy. Mums tänkte Micke.
Då hördes djävulens röst igen "Cindy! Du har syndat"
To all employees:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees,it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program "SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING" (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel you do not recieve your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will immediately be placed on top of the S.H.I.T.-list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get their S.H.I.T. job. If you have any questions or if you want to apply for promotion, please contact the Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
There were once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other...
The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor, clutching his nuts, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said,"OK, now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the fucking egg."
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever.
"I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison.....
President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered White House lawn and sees the words "BILL CLINTON SUCKS" written in pee in the snow.
Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security, the CIA, the whole gang! He tells them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants to know who the hell did this!!
The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news to tell.
"OK," says Clinton, "give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news."
The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the urine, we know who the culprit is." Clinton nods, and the Chief continues:
"The bad news is the culprit is Vice-President Al Gore."
This really upsets the President, but he tries to control his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news. The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hillary's handwriting".
Science Breakthrough - beer contains female hormones!
Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl decided 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Efter mikrokirurgernas konferens i New York satt de ledande kirurgerna i en bar och drack. När de så småningom blev aspackade började de tänka på sina största triumfer.
Den första, en australiensisk kirurg berättade:" Vi fick in en kille som klämde sig i en press vid ett tryckeri förra året. Allt som var kvar var lillfingret. Vårt lag av kirurger lyckades konstruera en ny hand, byggde en ny arm och en ny kropp, så att när han till slut återgick till arbetet blev han så effektiv att han gjorde 5 personer arbetslösa."
"Det är väl ingenting", sa en amerikansk kirurg. "Vi hade en arbetare som fastnade i en kärnreaktor. Allt som blev kvar var håret. Vi konstruerade en ny skalle, en ny kropp och nya organ och skickade honom tillbaka tillarbetslivet. Han blev så effektiv att han gjorde 50 personer arbetslösa."
Den svenske kirurgen ville inte vara sämre. "En dag när jag var ute och gick kände jag lukten av en fis. Jag tog fisen till sjukhuset i en skräppåse, släppte den på bordet och började jobba. Först slog vi in fisen i ett rövhål, byggde nya skinkor, satte fast en ny kropp på den ena änden och ben på den andra änden. Till slut blev det en man som i dag heter Göran Persson och han gör ett helt jävla land arbetslöst."
She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.