My diary

Follow me in my fight against the cancer. To make it more clear I've split up it after year. If you visit my journal for the first time it will be easier if you begin from the beginning. Click on the link to 2000.

How it started: From discovery to chemo treatments and mastectomy.
Change of chemo type, radiation, anti estrogen threamtent and depression.
Relapse; cancer in liver and bones and more chemo treatments.


2nd January 2003:
Went to the hospital to see my doctor and had new blood tests taken. The liver status was even better than last time!
8th January 2003:
Time for chemo treatment again. After the treatment I went to another hospital for training in the water. This time I managed 140 m!
When I arrived at home it was time for lunch. I felt very well, filled with energy. After having some rest I put on my skiiboots and packed the car with Maja's and my skiis. I went to pick up Maja and then we were skiing 2,5 km cross country. It mostly felt like walking around slowly with ski sticks, but we both enjoyed it. Afterwards we felt very hungry so we went home to eat some sandwiches.
What a great day!
10th January 2003:
It was a long time since I went to work and I long for my friends and my tasks. I make a phonecall and tell them that I am on my way.
Directly after having left Linnea at pre school I go to work. They've got a new password to the computer for me and I am able to take a look at the new 1600 emails I've got... After lunch I go home again. In the evening I am very tired.
12th January 2003:
Up early! Maja and I have booked time for healing at 8.00! We have breakfast with Monica and my friend Mari is also there. We talk a lot and enjoy our time together. Monica heals Maja and me. When we come home it is already time for lunch. In the afternoon I take a 35-minute walk. The sun shines and it feels wonderful!
13th January 2003:
Go to the indoor pool with my oldest daughter Maja. It was a long time since we went there.We swim, take a sauna and have fun. I probably swim too much and in the evening I am completely exhausted.
14th January 2003:
Maja got sick (stomach disease) during the night and we've hardly been able to sleep at all. My stomach catharr is worse...
15th January 2003:
My stomach catharr has been even worse and I feel totally exhausted. I phone the physiotherapist and tell her that I can't manage any physiotherapy today. In the afternoon it's time for chemo treatment. I have to take a taxi there. I feel too weak to drive on my own.
17th January 2003:
It's time for an ultrasonic examination of my liver. The doctor notices that I've got a thrombus in a vein in my liver. The right part has been enlarged to compensate for the left part that is not working properly. I think it sounds scaring. Besides this everything seems positive. There is one metastasis that is 1 cm. All the others are smaller. Some difference to the middle of last year when there were several ones 2-3 cm.
18th January 2003:
Spend the weekend by our relatives in Västerås. Maja still suffers from pain in her stomach.
20th January 2003:
Today I manage to do the physiotherapy but I still suffer from stomach catharr. The worries for Maja and disturbed sleep during the nights don't make it better. Maja wakes up every night because of pain in her stomach.
After lunch it's time for x-ray of my bones. Next Monday (27th) I'll meet my doctor and then she'll probably tell me about the result.
21st January 2003:
To the doctor with Maja. The doctor listens and takes us seriously. She thinks it may be both stomach catharr and Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Tomorrow we are going back to take blood tests.
24th January 2003:
Couldn't sleep last night because of ague and an upset stomach. At midnight I got up and took a warm lavender bath. After that I felt warm and sleepy and was able too fall asleep. In the morning I felt tired but took the car to the indoor pool and swimmed. I was able to swim 250 m! It didn't feel hard, but a couple of hours later I was exhausted and had pain all over the body. Went to bed early.
26th January 2003:
I've probably had something going on in my body for some days. This evening I feel very cold (ague). Anders feels the same. All my body is aching and in my belly the pain is almost unbearable. It's impossible to sleep but at 1:30 AM it starts to feel better in my belly an I am finally able to have a few hours sleep.
27th January 2003:
Wake up earlier than I have to. I feel exhausted and am freezing. My temperature is 100,9 F. I have to be at the hospital for blood tests at least one hour before my doctor's appointment at 9:00 AM. I feel too weak to drive on my own so I take a taxi. I don't feel any hunger but eat some yoghurt. I arrive at the hospital at 7:30 AM and am ready with my blodd tests at 7:33 AM! I am so exhausted I can't sit and wait so I ask a nurse for a bed to lie down at.
My doctor seems worried when she looks at me. I assure her that I must have got some flu. I am not feeling like this because of the cancer. I should have stayed at home and called my doctor...
We discuss my stomach problems (gastrit?), the thrombus in my liver, the result of the blood tests, the ultrasonic examination and the x-ray. The liver status is worse according to the blood tests, but the ultrasonic examination shows the opposite. There is no difference in my bones (skeleton) according to the x-ray.
We agree about me having no chemo treatments this week. I feel to bad for that. She'll discuss my case with the other doctors. We book a new appointment for next Tuesday.
28th January 2003:
I had a terrible ache in my belly yesterday afternoon. Fortunately it calmed down for the evening and I was able to sleep quite well during the night. Today I've mostly been resting. I started to read more about my medicines and figured out that most of the medicines I am taking are distrubing the liver status. That's interesting... What depends on the medicines and what depends on the cancer?
29th January 2003:
Today I felt ok again and was able to go on my physiotherapy. It's wonderful to feel well again :o) I've decided to improve my liver status! How? By the Power of my Thoughts! :o) And only take alternative medicines to let the liver rest...
I only mean for this week, of course! Next week I'll be fine and able to take my chemos again.
30th January 2003:
I hope that my liver status will be better on Tuesday. The values won't be affected by medicins because I've not taken any medicine that have such side effects. Maybe my values were worse just because I'd taken too many Losec (for gastric) and other such kind of medicines. I try to think positive even if it feels hard right now. I am taking my alternative medicines and do healing on myself almost every evening.
31st January 2003:
Went to a Japanese SPA with Mari and two other friends from work. It was wonderful! We tried Zen Meditation, Do In and Qi Gong. The different pools were great and the fruit and the Japanese food was delicious.
1st February 2003:
I am sad and worried. What if my liver values are even worse on Tuesday? What will I do then? I've been so sure of recovering and feeling better and better. I almost thought the only missing thing was a breast. I don't want to change type of chemo to Taxotere. I don't want to loose my hair again!
3rd February 2003:
I feel a bit better again - not so sad and depressed. If the liver values are worse I'll give the old chemos another chance. And I will try it without taking any other medicines that have an effect on the liver status.
Right now I really believe that the values have become better... Keep your fingers crossed! Tomorrow I'll know!
4th February 2003:
I just feel that everything will have changed for the better today! How can I be so sure? I was not able to take any chemos last week and have only been taking alternative medicines. It strange, but I know it!
Went to the hospital and had my blood tests. Met my doctor and was eager to hear about the result. Yes !!! Some values were even better than ever (since I got cancer in my liver and boones). It feels like if I am flying with a smile on my lips!
My doctor told me that they won't do anything about the thrombus in the liver. There is no risk it will come loose and be stuck somewhere else. She said that if I find the side effects from Xeloda hard we are going to try with only Navelbine. I thought about it for a while, but decided to take both this time and next time I'll perhaps rest from Xeloda and see what happens.
I can't tell you how happy I feel right now!
5th February 2003:
Physiotherapy before lunch and chemo therapy after lunch.
9th February 2003:
We are visiting Anders' parents during the weekend. Unfortunately I feel very exhausted and spend most of the time lying on the sofa.
The children love all the snow. They go skiing and Maja goes several kilometers.
10th February 2003:
Physiotherapy before lunch and healing after lunch.
I've not been to Monica for healing for quite some time. She's been in California for three weeks. Monica is healing both Maja and me.
According to all the tests there is nothing wrong with Maja's stomach. But she is still having a lot of pain. The doctor says that her pain depends on stress and anxiety. Of course, it's great that there is nothing wrong (physically), but what will we do know? Maja needs attention and some kind of counselling.
11th February 2003:
Maja and I see the counsellor at the cancer clinic. She lets Maja paint and talk. The counsellor also means Maja needs a lot of care and also more time with her mum. She needs a lot of safety at the moment.
13th February 2003:
Finally I start to feel a bit better. I've felt so infirm for days now. Early in the morning Monica gives me some healing and after that I feel great.
14th February 2003:
Today it's Valentine's Day. Maja has made a nice card to me all by herself. The sun shines and the weather is wonderful. My parents will come an visit us after lunch. They'll bring a cake. Tonight Anders' and I will see a movie (My big fat Greek wedding). My paents will stay over the weekend.
15th February 2003:
It's time for a big Health Fair again. I know it will make me exhausted and cause a lot of pain, but I still want to go. I go there with some friends.
17th February 2003:
It's very interesting... I've not had any pain in my stomach during this 14-day-period of chemos. I decided to take no medicines (Losec) for the stomach pain this time and only try with alternative ones. Almost all medicines that help against gastric have effect on the liver. And I had no pain! I read that Losec can cause stomach pain! It's not usual, but who says I am usual. Last period I took two pills a day and the stomach pains were even worse than earlier times. The values were also worse (see Jan 27th). You learn as long as you live!
20th February 2003:
Monica has recommended caffeine enema twice a day for five days. It would clean the liver. She learnt it in California. OK, I will try it.
Monica thinks my live status will be better next time if I do it.
24th February 2003:
Went to the hospital to have blood tests and to see my doctor. The liver status was almost as same as last time, so the caffeine enema had at least not made things worse. But my white blood cells were not ok. Now I understand why I have itching spots on my hands. My immune system is not working as it should and that makes me sensitive. I won't be able to have any chemos this week. My doctor sent me to the physiology lab to have an E.C.G. I often have pain over my chest. It's scaring and it's hard to breath. They let me go home after the test, so I suppose they didn't see anything dangerous. I went directly to Monica for some healing. She did something new - put on gloves and healed my teeth.
25th February 2003:
Got migraine in the morning. Took a couple of alternative (antroposoph) painkillers and lied down on my bed for an hour. After that I felt much better and now I am sitting her in front of the computer working with my website!
26th February 2003:
Yesterday, in the afternoon, my friend Helena (Graphicgarden) was visiting me. She lives not so far from me so we meet now and then. She brought her laptop so we were able to paint together and discuss painting techniques.
I've felt a bit depressed lately. I don't want to have cancer! I don't want to loose a lot of hair. I don't want to have muscle pain. I don't want to have to worry about the cancer every day...
28th February 2003:
Physiotherapy in the water before lunch. It feels harder to swim the usual 140 m now. I wonder if this and the pain in my muscles are bad signs... I feel more tired and am worried.
3rd March 2003:
To the hospital early in the morning to have new blood tests. If the white blood cells are better this time I'll have a chemo treatment on Wednesday.
My cousin Elisabeth and her baby David visit me. I try to help Elisabeth to loom a web. She got a small loom (for Flemish weaving) on her 35th birthday.
4th March 2003:
I feel very tired today. I've pain in my muscles (mostly my legs) and don't feel in a very good mood. If the sun was shining at least. I am so afraid I'll have a new depression and have to start taking anti depressants again.
5th March 2003:
Time for a chemo treatment. Asked my wonderful nurse (Meta) about the result of the blood tests taken two days ago. All values (except HB) was higher. Only two liver values are really too high. Two are very close to normal. To be realistic there is only one liver value that's a worry! It's great! This chemo period I am trying without Xeloda. I am taking only Navelbine.
After the chemo treatment I bought Sushi for Mari and me and went to work and had lunch with her. I'd not been to work since 10th January. Then I was very optimistic and thought I would soon be able to start working 25%. Since then I've felt too tired to go. But one day!
10th March 2003:
Two days after my chemo treatment I started to feel very exhausted. I've done every single task with a lot of effort. I've mostly been lying on the sofa during the days and I've hardly been able to even read or watch TV. My mum felt very worried about me so tomorrow she is going the 110 km here by bus to support me.
12th March 2003:
Went to the hospital for intravenous chmos before lunch. Mum followed me. After lunch I went to my bobbin lacing course. When I came home I phoned a travel agency to check if there were any trips left to Gran Canaria (Spanish island) on Saturday. I'd kept an eye in the daily paper on trips there for a week now. There were nine places left on the plane so we booked a trip there for one week! It will be wonderful with some sun and warmth!
14th March 2003:
Tomorrow morning we are leaving! I've spent the last days with planning (packing, buying medicines and cancelled meetings for next week).
22nd March 2003:
It's evening and I am back home in Sweden again. I've spent most of my time beside the pool keeping an eye on our children. It's been very relaxing and the warm temperature and the sun have done me good.I feel like a new person.
24th March 2003:
Time to go to the hospital again, have new blood tests and meet my doctor. I felt so good that I was a bit surprised when the doctor told me that my tests were worse. It was a long time since the liver status was on this level.
What has caused this? I've tried with a period without Xeloda (chemo pills) and only had Navelbine (intravenouse chemos). During the holiday I didn't take Essiac and I was not able to eat ecological food. I've not been on healing.
It would have been interesting to see what'd happened if Xeloda had been the only difference. If my values become better soon I'll try without Xeolda again but be careful with the eclogical food and all other altenative medicines and treatments.
Ayway, I am not feeling depressed. I got a lot of positive energy during the holiday.
26th March 2003:
Started with Xeloda and went to the cancer clinic for Navelbine. After lunch it was time for the bobbin lacing course again. Felt very tired. I wonder what will happen with my immune system. It was weak already before I got the chemos this time. But not too weak for having to move the chemos forward.
28th March 2003:
Felt exhausted but went to Monica for some healing. It didn't seem to help me this time. Went to bed early (7 PM).
29th March 2003:
Woke up in the middle of the night with a terrible headache. Took a couple of painkillers and went back to bed again. After some minutes I had to go up again. I had to vomit.
In the morning I felt very weak. I went up at 9.30 AM to have something to eat, even if I didn't feel for it. Took my medicines and went straight back to bed again. Just ten minutes later I had to vomit again.
Spent the rest of the day in bed, not able to do anything but sleep and rest.
31st March 2003:
It's evening and I am finally able to update my diary. It feels wonderful to feel almost normal again. I started to feel much better after lunch and a 45 minutes walk with mum. Mum came here this morning to help me.
4th April 2003:
It's been a hectic week. I've prepared my daughter Maja's birthday party for tomorrow - baked cinnamon buns and made cakes.
Went to Monica in the afternoon. She and Mari healed me for one and a half hour! Felt great afterwards.
7th April 2003:
Got up early in the morning and went to Monica for some healing. After that I went directly to the physiotherapy.
9th April 2003:
One of all my wonderful friends, Ingmarie, sent me the book "Living Food" by Ann Wigmore. There is much to read that gives inspiration and new ideas.
10th April 2003:
Susanna Ehdin (The Self Healing Human) held a lecture in Västerås. Mari took one day off from work so we went there together. I am reading her book right now. I really recommend it!
11th April 2003:
I've just been out shopping some food. I'll try making some "rejuvelac" according to Ann Wigmore's recipe. It seems to be very healthy. After lunch I went to the councellor at the cancer clinic with Maja.
15th April 2003:
To the cancer clinic for x-ray of the lungs early in the morning.
After lunch it was time for another visit at the cancer clinic. Had new blood tests taken and saw my doctor. The liver status is worse this time too. Quite a lot worse... But, I knew it. I've felt how swollen the liver is and had some pain in it. I often feel sick (like wanting to vomit) And that is also a sign of the liver not being well. My doctor says it doesn't have to mean that the cancer is more active again. The liver values can be worse just because it's swollen. If I try taking cortison for two or three weeks it may be better next time.
16th April 2003:
Time for another chemo treatment. Im in a good mood in spite of the bad answer of yesterday's tests. I think that the liver values can be better next time (on the 5th of May) it's time for me to see my doctor.
20th april 2003:
We celebrated Easter with my parents in Västerås. I even followed the rest of the family out on an orienteering competition. My daughter Maja tried to run an easy race for children and I followed her. Got terrible pain over my chest, but it felt better again after some rest. It was a wonderful day with sunshine!
21st April 2003:
Suddenly I don't belief I'll manage this. I've not been able to sleep at all during the night. I've felt agony and cried a lot. I feel sure that the cancer is more active again and that it has spread. The liver hurts and I also feel a strange pain on the opposite side (left). I can't help crying. I am thinking of Maja and Linnea. How will they manage without their mum? How shall Anders be able to sort up all my things after me?
22nd April 2003:
I've not been sleeping this night either. What will I do if the cancer is spread? That means the chemos isn't working any longer. I am very afraid and I am crying. How could my life turn out like this? Why did I have breast cancer? How could it spread to all the liver and the bones before it was discovered?
Elisabeth phoned me in the morning and heard how upset I was. Her parents took care of her youngest son and she borrowed a car and drew all the way from Västerås (100 kms) just to be with me.
23rd April 2003:
Today Mari is coming. She has taken one day off from work, just to be with me. I've not slept much this night either. I feel very misarable.
Received a letter from my doctor. My lungs are normal according to the earlier x-ray!
24th April 2003:
Go to Monica for some healing. She talks to me for a long time. It's not good for me with all these negative thoughts. I know that, but what can I do! The bad thoughts just comes to me. After the healing I feel much better. Monica is convinced that the cancer is less active and that the metastasis is on regression. Mari thinks the same. I wish I was able to have the same positive thoughts and that it is true. At least I feel less worried.
When I come back home my mum has arrived. She takes care of all the housework.
26th April 2003:
I've been able to sleep well during the last nights. I feel much better. But I can still feel pain in my liver.
Yesterday my friend Ingmarie was here. We made some "living! food that we enjoyed together with my mum. After that we went on a long walk.
They've phoned me from the Vidar clinic! I've been granted a new stay there. I am so happy! I'll go there on the 19th of May and stay for two weeks.
29th april 2003:
I still feel that strange pain in my left (and right) side. Today I've been to the hospital for a test (specimen of urine). There was nothing wrong with my urine. I thought it might be the kidneys. The doctor said it probably are metastasis in my pelvis that cause the pain. I am more worried again. Maybe the metastasis in the bones also are more active and has started to grow...
On the 12th May I'll have an ultrasonic test of the liver. I am so worried! Elisabeth will follow me.
4th May 2003:
It has been some tought days. The pain on my left and right side is worse and I've started to feel pain in my back. I've been very tired and have been resting a lot. Have started to take my antroposophic injections for pain. I've not been taking them for months as I've not felt any pain.
5th May 2003:
I feel depressed. My liver and bones hurt. I'll have new blood tests and see my doctor. Anders will follow me. I need to hold someone in the hand.
The values of my liver are much worse. I told my doctor that I didn't want any chemo treatment before I've had the ultrasonic test of my liver next Monday. As it seems as the kind of chem treatments I've had so far don't work any longer we discussed Taxotere (another type). My doctor will write a letter of introduction for another x-ray of my bones.
6th May 2003:
I feel very bad. Feel pain and feel sick. I call my mum and ask if she is able to come. She takes the bus from Vasteras to Stockholm.
In the evening I feel very sick and have to vomit. After that I feel much better. I think that some of the bad came up! But I am worried. Does this mean that my liver is so bad I can't keep my food down?
8th May 2003:
I feel better. I don't feel so much pain any longer. Have more positive thoughts again. I drink about 5 dl birch sap every day, take milk tistle, Essiac, Iscador and am drinking tea from dandelion. I will beat the cancer in some way!
9th May 2003:
My best friends arrive. They take me to Sigtuna (old town) and invited me for lunch. Later Mari follows me home and heals me (she's learned from Monica).
12th May 2003:
Elisabeth arrives and follows me to the hospital for the ultrasonic test of my liver. The doctor tells me she can't see any big differences since last test in January. But she has to take a look at the film form last time before she can give any definite result. I'll have the answer next Thursday when I see my doctor again.
15th May 2003:
Anders follows me to the hospital. First I take the blood tests, and after that it's time for the ultrasonic test of my heart. I got a written result to give my own doctor. We have an appointment with my doctor and she teels me that the reulst from the liver scanning has not arrived yet. The blood tests I just took showed that the liver status is worse since last time. She thinks that I should have a Taxotere treatment as soon as possible before the metastasis start to spread and before my liver is too bad for any treatment...
I still want to see the result from the liver scanning before I decide anything.
Oh, I almost forgot the heart. It was normal!
In the middle of all this they called me from the Vidar clinic and asked me if I could come to days later than planned. That will be on Wednesday (21st) instead.
19th May 2003:
My doctor calls me in the afternoon. The result from the ultrasonic test of my liver, last week, had arrived. It doesn't look good at all. My liver is filled with new metastasis. I have no choice. I have to start taking Taxotere and hope that it works. We must stop the metastasis in some way! I want to live, as long as possible...
20th May 2003:
I have taken a lot of cortison before the Taxotere treatment. You must do that to avoid an allergic reaction that can be dangerous. Maja cries. She doesn't want me to loose my hair again, now when it has finally grow long.
In some hours I'll have the treatment and tomorrow I am leaving for my two weeks stay at the Vidar clinic.
21st May 2003:
Anders and my mum follow me to the Vidar clinic. One hour after they've left I suddenly feel a terrible pain in my stomach. An hour later I feel pain in all my body. I think I haven't felt such pain since I gave birth to my children. They give me a couple of painkillers but it dosen't help. After that they try with some kind of narcotic injection. After some time the pain is gone, but I feel dizzy.
25th May 2003:
Some terrible days have passed. My liver hurts a lots. I've almost not been able to eat and I've spent most time in bed. I wonder if this is how it's gonna be in the future. Has Taxotere destroyed my body?
Mum and dad come to visit me. It's my mum's birthday but she's told us she wants no celebration. We make an excursion to a castle nearby. We are walking around slowly. It feels very hard, but I think it gets better and better for me.
28th May 2003:
Anders, Maja and Linnea visit me in the afternoon. Maja stays with me over the night. The nurses put in an extra bed in my room.
3rd June 2003:
It's my last day at the clinic. It will be nice to go home. I've started to loose my hair, one of the side effects from Taxotere.
In the afternoon Anders, Maja and Linnea come to take me home.
4th June 2003:
To the hospital twice. First for a radioactive injection. Then for a scanning of my body ("scintigrafi" in Swedish). I'll have the result when I see my doctor next Wednesday.
5th June 2003:
To Monica for some Reiki healing. She still can't believe the result of the ultrasonic test of my liver and my bad liver status. She says I seem to healthy for being so ill.
7th June 2003:
Almost all my hair is gone now. I bought some nice hats a couple of days ago. I don't think I'll wear a wig/mop this time. It's summer and it will be too hot. After all I've gone through it doesn't feel necessary with that.
11th June 2003:
Felt afraid to see my doctor today. I was worried about the bloodtests and the scintiscan/bonescan showing my "hot spots". Anders followed me. Some liver tests showed almost the same as before the chemo treatment, some was much worse and a couple of them was a little bit better! I think I should see it positive. I am not having as much pain in my bones as before the treatment so it seems as if it has helped. The scan showed new metastasis since last time (October last year). But just between the vertebras and the lower back which is the only place in the bones that I feel any pain from. My doctor was not sure about the dose of the Taxotere. Maybe I'll have a lower one tomorrow. We discussed all the side effects I had last time. If you have experience from Taxotere you are welcome to send me an email and tell me!
12th June 2003:
Got my second Taxotere treatment, but forgot to ask if it was the same doze as last time.
15th June 2003:
Now the huge tiredness has arrived. I don't manage to do anything but lying down resting.
16th June 2003:
Have an appointment with Monica. Anders is driving me. I am too exhausted to go there on my own. Monica, who's never seen me in this condition seems a bit worried.
17th June 2003:
After some weeks break it is time for physiotherapy again. The physiotherapist looks at me and wonders how I managed to come there. I admit that I went there on my own, but that it was quite dangerous. I drew very careful and slowly. She arranges so that I can go via Taxi in the future.
19th June 2003:
Today my husband and I are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary. I feel a bit better and are able to drive on my own to Monica. When I am back home again we go out to find something special for the evening to eat. I am too tired to go out on a restaurant or to do something, but to have a nice evening at home will do. Unfortunately I have migraine after our meal.
20th June 2003:
It's Midsummer Eve, a nice feast here in Sweden. We are going to my cousin Elisabeth in Västerås. Before we leave I suddenly feel how a new migraine attack is coming. Anders drives while I have my eyes closed all the way. When we arrive I drink coffee (I am not used to that) and cola. I have some lunch but rest on the bed until the evening when it's dinner time. I feel tired but quite ok and join the others. Unfortunately I am having another migraine attack before it's time to go to sleep.
21st June 2003:
Today is the christening of Madeleine my other cousin's daughter. I stay in bed until it's time to go to church. I am very tired and my head is still not ok. Everything goes fine. Have some rest in a sofa during the lunch after the christening.
25th June 2003:
Finally I feel like I am able to do things again. I am able to update my site and answer some mail. I am sorry for all of you who have to wait so long for my answer.
Went to the physiotheraphy yesterday and I felt I was able to take part better. Tomorrow an old friend, that I haven't seen for ages, will visit me.
But I am a bit worried about my head. Mostly it doesn't feel really ok. But shouldn't they have seen if there was something wrong on the bone scan?
1st July 2003:
Time to visit a doctor at the hospital ("Radiumhemmet"). Does a blood test before the visit. The test shows that most liver parameters are better than last time. Only one parameter shows a less good value. Some of them are really better. The others are more uncertain. They increased a lot after the first cytotoxic drug treatment and is still real high, but nevertheless a little bit better. It feels like some relief. It seems like Taxotere has worked. I hope it is so.
2nd July 2003:
Meets a dear, old, female friend in the morning. The children play at the playground. In the afternoon I takes the subway to the centre of the city. I am going to Notarius Publicus to arrange for an invitation to an old friend from Algeria. Unfortunately I get migraine on the way to the city. Meets my friend Ingmarie over a cup of coffee.
3rd July 2003:
Time for Taxotere treatment number three. My cousin Elisabeth has recommended extra liquid infusion afterwards. My wonderful nurse arranges it and it feels good.
8th July 2003:
People form the hospital comes at my home and give me liquid infusions every day. Since I haven't been able to drink enough before, it feels good. The side effects of the Taxotere become less bad. Unfortunately I have got problems with my sight. I have double vision and call the hospital ("Radiumhemmet"). A doctor there writes admission notes for computer tomography of the head and scanning of my body ("scintigrafi" in Swedish).
9th July 2003:
Have the strength for a McDonalds lunch. Later we have visitors from the north part of Sweden. Anders takes care of them since I am too tired. In the evening we visit Monica. Anders drives me there since my sight is too bad for driving and I am too tired. Back home again the nurses from the hospital come and install a liquid infusion over the night. Then something unexpected happens. I hear strange things in my right ear and I have a strange feeling in my right side of the body (arm and foot). I call the hospital to tell them there is something wrong with the infusion. I notice that I can not speak properly. Anders takes over the phone. The people from the hospital returns and disconnects the infusion, checks the blood pressure and blood sugar. They decide to call an ambulance.
10th July 2003:
What happened? I arrived to the emergency department and met a doctor that told me it was something new with my illness. They placed me in a room at "Radiumhemmet", tested blood pressure and blood sugar and some other things. I started to vomit. They installed an new infusion. They promised me a new computer tomography as soon as possible. They gave me a high dose of cortisone to reduce possible swelling in the brain.
The computer tomography showed metastasis in the brain. Fortunately radiation seem to be a good treatment for this. The cortisone makes me feel better. I am not depressed. It feels like this will not reduce my chances.
11th July 2003:
Mum arrives from Västerås. Anders drives to Västerås. Anders is going to run the three day orienteering competition in Eskilstuna and I want him to go. We will not be more happy sitting here gazing at each other. Leaves the hospital in the afternoon and goes home.
12th July 2003:
Appointment by Monica. Mum and I go to a barbecue party at Mari and her family afterwards. Anders comes home with the children (they have been with his parents the past week) and mum drives back to Västerås.
15th July 2003:
People from the hospital installs an over night liquid infusion each evening.
18th July 2003:
My friends Ingmarie and Gunilla visit me. They bring me strawberries, raspberries and flowers. They help us watering the garden.
19th July 2003:
Early morning. The family leaves for the 5-day orienteering competition in Uddevalla. Mum arrives to take care of me during the week they will be gone.
22nd July 2003:
Cancel further appointments by Monica. Is too infirm.
23rd July 2003:
Fortunately time for the radiation simulator at the "Radiumhemmet". Elisabeth arrives and comes along. Goes by Taxi (with special permit). Uses a wheelchair.
25th July 2003:
Radiation two consecutive days. Elisabeth comes with me. The sight is better and the double vision is less inconvenient. Have too high blood sugar due to all cortisone. People from the hospital installs an over night liquid infusion and gives me insulin. Anders and the children returns from the orienteering competition.
28th July 2003:
Radiation number 3. Elisabeth and Anders comes with me and meets my ordinary doctor afterwards. It is doubtful whether (not likely) if my liver will handle any more drugs. Does acute ultrasonic sound examination to find out if it is possible to help the liver with drainage. Does an ultrasonic sound examination with contrast liquid at the same time. The cancer is growing on the liver.
30th July 2003:
Radiation 4+5. New blood tests on Friday (Aug 1st) morning which are of vital importance. Will know the result on Monday (Aug 4th).
4th August 2003:
Elisabeth arrives to, together with Anders, receive the call from my doctor at Radiumhemmet. They can not do more now. Only death remains.
Anders writes in my diary since I haven't been able to go to the upper floor in our house for a while.
Until this point is everything in the diary written or dictated by Karin herself. The diary notes below are written by Anders to let all her friends out there know what happened later. It was very hard to write this. My eyes were filled with tears most of the time. I hope this can be of some consolation for all the wonderful people out there at the Internet. If you want to reach me, Anders, you can send me an e-mail to I read everything, but at the moment I can not promise I will answer.
8th August 2003:
Karin's parents arrive. They will take care of Karin while Anders and the children drives to his parents in Dalarna. Maja will take part in an orienteering camp.
10th August 2003:
Anders returns home again. The children stay with grandmother and grandfather. Karin's parents returns to Västerås.
13th August 2003:
The childhood friend Ingmarie visits Karin.
14th August 2003:
Karin's father Gunnar arrives to take care of Karin while Anders runs some errands. Now Karin has only strength to leave the bed for her meals and to visit the bathroom. Karin eats her last real lunch. From now on she eats yoghurt with jam three times a day.
15th August 2003:
Karin's friend Gunilla visits her. Anders takes the opportunity to go grocery shopping.
16th August 2003:
The liver is not working well. The "dirt" in the blood reaches such levels that they affect Karin's mind. The periods when she is dim become more and more common. She has problems to find the right words. It is of some comfort that she has almost no pain.
During the afternoon the children arrive home together with Anders' parents.
17th August 2003:
Grandmother and grandfather drive home during the afternoon. Around 17:00 hours is Karin alone downstairs. Linnea is out playing while Anders and Maja is upstairs. Suddenly we hear a crash down there. We runs down and find out that Karin has fallen backwards on her way to the bathroom. Karin is now so weak that she can't help in any way to get up. Anders manages to get Karin up with great effort. Maja helps a lot too. Anders calls the hospital and tells them that Karin has got a rather big swelling on the back of her head. After ten minutes a nurse arrives from the hospital. She cools down the swelling and examines Karin.
Around 20:00 Elisabeth (Karin's cousin) arrives to spend some days with us. She is a nurse. She gives us invaluable help and supports the coming difficult days. Both as a fellow being and as a professional. We are so lucky we have her, she is wonderful!
18th August 2003:
Karin manages to move to the kitchen for breakfast at six o'clock. She is very weak so she goes there on pure will-power. Anders walks to the pre-school with Linnea at eight o'clock. Twenty minutes before nine Anders and Maja walks to school for the roll call. Maja will start her second year at school. At the same time Elisabeth helps Karin to take a shower and to wash her. When Anders and Maja returns home at lunch time is Karin unconscious.
19th August 2003:
During the morning our beloved wife, mother and daughter leaves us. I hold her hand while her breathing becomes more and more irregular before it stops completely. She doesn't wake up. She sleeps herself into the eternity. Around the bed is also her parents and Elisabeth. The children is at school and pre-school.
We call the hospital to tell them what have happened. Two nurses arrive at our house and a little bit later comes the doctor to write the death certificate. The nurses help us to put nice cloths on Karin. We pick a rose in our garden that we put in her hands. On the table beside her bed we put flowers, a candle and photos of a healthy Karin.
We tell relatives and friends. They arrive during the day. At three o'clock Anders and Elisabeth picks up the so far unknowing children. Before we leave the car we tell the children. They are very sad. Linnea runs in while I carry big sister Maja. They get a chance to touch their mother who looks like she is sleeping in peace. Later in the evening a car from the hospital takes the body to the hospital. Goodbye my love!

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