An actual article from the LA Times:
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in
the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been
admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone
seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our
gerbil,in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my
clue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't
come out again,so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the
light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame
shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr.Tomaszewski's hair and severely
burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which
in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine,
propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns
to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
Editor's Notes: Top Ten Scariest Things About This Story
10. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..."
9. "So I peered into the tube..." (I'm sorry, but that's like looking
through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the
sun.)
8. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being
shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky &
Bullwinkle
7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's
anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was
springtime fresh after his journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."
6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their
rectums.
5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing
when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up
a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniacal, anal sex fiends breaking
into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter fluid before
admitting the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine
looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see, we
have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."
4. "First and Second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the
burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one
ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a
burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of
God's green earth.
3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic
white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those