How You Can Tell When It's Going to Be a Rotten Day!

-You wakes up face down on the pavement.
-You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
-You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
-Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
-You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
-You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
-You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realise you don't have a waterbed.
-Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
-Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
-The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
-You wake up and your braces are locked together.
-You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
-Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
-Your income tax check bounces.

Woman - A Chemical Analysis!

Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118 lbs, but known to vary 105-175 lbs (you know it in kgs?).
Discoverer : Adam
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower
concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties :
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties :
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in
alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses :
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.