I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting your planet.
I have transformed myself into this icq message.  As you are
reading it, I am having sex with your eyeballs.  I know you like
it because you are smiling

Please pass me on to someone else because I'm really horny
(lmao finally a chain message i like!)

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Whats better then a rose on the piano?

Tu-lips on the organ....

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SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: CHATTING has been know to consume time,
cause insanity, wreak havoc, inspire hopes and dreams, and cause
the user to sit hunched over a computer, bloodshot eyeballs staring
at the monitor until the wee hours of the morning! Further, chatting
causes a poor diet, flat butt and ability to avoid going to the bathroom.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An irishmans philosophy:    There are two things to worry about;
either you are well or you are sick. if you are well, there is
nothing to worry about. But if you are sick, there are two things
to worry about, either you will get well, or you will die. If you
get well there is nothing to worry about, but if you die there are
two things to worry about, either you will go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about, but if you go
to hell you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't
have time to worry

(So really there is only 1/8 thing to worry about?? editors comment)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

a chick who hates blondes finds a genie on an island. the genie says,
whatever you wish for, all of the blondes in the world will get twice
as much. her first wish was: i want a million dollars. the genie said:
all blondes just got 2 million. she says I wish for a ferarri. the
genie says: all blondes just got 2 ferarris. then she says: see that
stick over there?? I want you to beat me half to death with it..

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

BE ALERT!! the world needs more lerts!!

GRAVITY: it's not just a good idea, it's the law.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A day without sunshine is not just dark - it's night.

...a good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

TESTS SHOW BEER CONTAINS FEMALE HORMONES
Yesterday, scientists in the US revealed that beer
contains small traces of female hormones.  To prove their
theory, they gave 100 men 12 pints of beer each and observed
that 100% of them lost all sense of reasoning, started
talking nonsense, and couldn't drive.
FINALLY A CHAIN LETTER WORTHY TO PASS ON!...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 ~ God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft
     before creating a masterpiece. ~

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This is an URGENT message from ICQ HQ!

Due to the fact that the top executive of Mirabilis has
been stricken with Herpes from online cybersex with ICQ users,
Mirabilis is urging everyone to discontinue unprotected
cybersex. Buy a Mirabilis CyberCondom for only $9.95/month
and be protected. The Centre for Disease Control is already
investigating this serious matter. We will keep you posted.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ONLINE TOO LONG IF:
1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love
   to your significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".

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1) Start with the given: CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
2) Change all U''s to V''s (which is proper Latin anyway): CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
3) Extract all Roman Numerals: C V V L D I V
4) Convert into Arabic values: 100 5 5 50 500 1 5
5) Add all the numbers: 666 Thus, Barney is Satan. weird, huh? SEND IT ALONG!!!!!

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"No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is
in session."

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"I'd admit I'm in denial, but I am, so I can't."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If a man says something in the woods, but there's no woman around to
hear him, is he still wrong?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Why do they steralize needles for lethal injection?

If you throw a cat out a window, does it become kitty litter?

"You're supposed to live each day as if it's your last. Which is why I never
have any clean clothes. Because, come on, who wants to do laundry on their
last day alive?" -Seinfeld
 

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"Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a
desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression
when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife,
(3) a better looking and richer male friend."
 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"The one item you want is never the one on sale."

"A free agent is anything but."

"If a great deal of time has been expended seeking the answer
to a problem with the only result being failure, the answer will
be immediately obvious to the first unqualified person."

"The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users
don't really know what they want, but they know for certain what they
don't want."

"Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a
good price."

"Phil White: It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one."

"If a business is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are
there locks on the doors?"

"If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick
to the pan?"

"Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse."

"Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?"

"When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones
will be illegible."

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

"If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one
that will do the most damage will go wrong first."

"Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with."

"Nothing is ever as simple as it seems"

"If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine."

"If you play with something long enough, you will surely break it."

"Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it; get a larger hammer."

"Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look."

"Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
(2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws."

"As soon as the stewardess serves coffee, the airline encounters turbulence."

"Mother Nature is a bitch."

"When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby,
while all other coins will roll out of sight."

"Arthur's Laws of Love: (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably
think you remind them of someone else. (2) The love letter you finally got
the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make
a fool of yourself in person."

"If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods."

"Fett's Law: Never replicate a successful experiment."

"When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take
two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear
overnight."

"Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress
reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

2 gay guys are at the urinal.  one guy looks at the other guys penis
and sees the nicorette patch on it.  he askes the guy: "why is the
patch on your penis."  the other guy tells him: "I''m trying to go down
to 2 butts a day".
 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I wish my life could be a sitcom. Things would be so much easier I would
have my friends picked out I would have minor teenage problems I would
be rich and their would always be a guy who I was in love with and in the
very end he would fall in love w/ me I would be beautiful I would be smart
I would never be on the computer all day long I would have a "real life"
I wish my life was a sitcom

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Driving Under the Influence

  One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar
for possible violations of the driving-under- the-influence laws. At
closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the
curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then the man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for
several minutes. By this time everyone had left the bar and drove
off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. However,
the police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read
him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results
showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know
how that could be. With a smile on his face, the driver replied,
  "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
 

=================================================================
Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says
to Man, "So you would love her." "But God", Man says, "Why did you
make her so dumb?" God replies, "So she would love you."

=============================================================

WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX PART 1:
1)You can GET chocolate.
2)"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3)Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4)You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5)You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6)You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

============================================================

The Bobbitt Prayer

                Now I lay me down to sleep,
                I pray my penis I will keep,
                And if I wake and it is gone,
                I hope to find it on the lawn.

                I hope the dog that's running free,
                Doesn't see that little part of me,
                Many precautions I must take,
                To keep this part I love to shake.

  Much attention I must pay,
                To assure I put the knives away,
                The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too,
                Why there's no telling what she'd do.

                To rid me of my manly charm,
                I must keep it safe, away from harm,
                So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes,
                and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!

========================================================

Top 10 reasons computers must be male

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter
 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

New Receipe (Yummmy)
"Chick(en) Cake"
2 breasts, 2 legs, 1 banana, 1 cherry, oil, sugar, and spice.

take two breasts and move gently
spread oil all over...
spread 2 legs with cherry intact and insert banana.
add some sugar and spice to taste,
and stir gently until banana creams and cherry pops!
(note: if cake rises "LEAVE TOWN IMMEDIATELY!!!")

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

THREE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALES
1) No one but their creator understand their internal logic
2) Even your smallest mistakes are immediately commited to
 memory for future reference
3) "Bad Command or Filename" is about as informative as
 "If you don't know why I am mad at you, then i am
 certainly not going to tell you"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyus cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the turkey
 

==========================================================

PICK UP LINES
Ok, so most of them suck bigtime... but hey, you gotta be lucky SOMETIME, don't you?

1) Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2) Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let''s go screw

3) Just call me milk, I''ll do your body good

4) Your body''s name must be visa, because it''s everywhere I want to be

5) Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

6) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock

7) I may not be the best looking guy here, but I''m the only one talking to you

8) My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going

9) That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I''d be coming too

10) Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I''ll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I''ll do it your way right away

12) I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with

13) You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you''re the Bomb

14) If you were a new hamburger at McDonald''s, you would be McGorgeous

15) Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants

16) I''m a bird watcher and I''m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

17) I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter

18) Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I''ll slam you all night long

19) If you''re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon

20) Oh, I''m sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag

21) If you were a car, I''d wax you and ride you all over town

22) Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don''t care for this song and surely wouldn''t dance with you"
Guy: "I''m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

23) Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I''ve seem to have lost mine

24) I look good on you

25) I''m new in town, could I have directions to your house

26) If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, could I visit you between the Holidays?

27) You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what''s one more going to hurt?

28) Fuck me if I''m wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

29) I love every bone in your body - especially mine

30) Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize?

31) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away

32) Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question

33) Hi, I''m a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

34) I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?

35) You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy

36) My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, nead till hard, and serve hot

37) Are your legs tired, because you''ve been running through my mind all day long

38) You be the tree, and I''ll wrap you like a Koala

39) Hey baby, I''m like American Express, you don''t want to leave home without me

40) Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams

41) The word for the night is legs, let''s go back to my room and spread the word

42) Hey baby, what''s your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

43) Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you''ll be screaming it all night long

44) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room

45) Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons

46) Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I''ll go Choo choo

47) You must be Jelly, cause jam don''t shake like that.

48) The fact that I''m missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue

49) Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"

50) Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth

51) Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

52)  If God made anything more beautiful than yourself, I hope he kept it for himself.

53)  Boy:  Do you have a quarter?
       Girl:  Why?
       Boy: So I can call my mom and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.

54) The word for today is legs.  Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

55) Someone call heaven I think they're missing an angel.

56) That shirt is very becoming on you.  Of course if I were on you, I'd be cumming too.

57) Is your dad a thief cuz he stole all the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

58) Boy:  Do you have a phone?
      Girl: yeah
      Boy:  Well you'd better give me the number so I can make sure it works.

59) Hi, my name is Chance.  Do I have one?

60) Boy:  Do you sleep on your belly?
      Girl:  No.
      Boy:  Can I?

61) Quick, write down your number before I don't want it anymore.

62) One way or another, I'm going to have sex with you tonight so you may as well be there.

===========================================================================

Sorry Joe, I had to:

"The mass of the ass is equal to the heat of the meat
divided by the torque of the pork minus the angle of the dangle..."

===========================================================================

Well, that's all for now!

Arrivederci (Italian)
Viszontlatasra (Hungarian)
See you later (hmm... I wonder)
Auf Viedersehen (German)
På återseende (Swedish)
Sayonara (Japanese)
Au Revoir (French)
Salve (Latin)
Hasta la vista (Spanish)

Please tell me if you know any others!!