Joke Links
Santa Claus relativity theory among other things...
Cartoons!
The Far Side!! (I love number 4 myself)
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During her annual checkup, the well-constructed
miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."
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Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve
as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
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This man was sitting quietly reading his paper
one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind
him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: "What was that for?"
WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: "What the hell was that for this time?"
WIFE: "Your horse called."
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Q: What has 100 teeth and eats weiners?
A: A zipper.
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Q: What do a Bungee Jump and a Hooker have in
commom?
A: They're both cheap, last only a few seconds
and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
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So, these two virgins get married. As their first
night together approaches, they wonder what they are supposed to do, them
being virgins and all. So they decide to call the bride's mother. The mother
tells them to get undressed. They do. Then she tells the bride that the
groom should put the "hardest part of his body into where you go to the
bathroom."
An hour later, when the bride's mother calls back
and asks how everything went, the bride says,
"Well, I don't know, he has his head stuck in
the toilet bowl, now what?"
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A minister was asked to dinner by one of his
parishioners who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down
at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had
ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes
outside and yelled,
"Here Soap! Here Water!"
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Sad, But True
Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son: What's up, Dad?
Dad: There's a scratch down the side of
the car. Did you do it?
Son: I don't believe so, if I understand
the definition of "scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I
definitely did not scratch the car.
Dad: Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and
you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since.
How can you explain the scratch?
Son: Well, as I've said before, I have no
recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take
the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told
me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway,
heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car,
and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch
the car?
Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence
to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I"
scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not
scratch the car.
Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn't
drive the car into the mailbox?
Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to
drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and
it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly
no my intent.
Dad: So you are then saying that you did
hit the mailbox?
Son: No sir, that's not my statement.
I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the
car.
Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and
the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?
Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could look
at it that way.
Dad: So you lied to me when you said you
did not scratch the car?
Son: No. No, that is not correct.
Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition,
as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car
... the mailbox did...I was merely present when the scratching occurred.
So my answer of "No" when
you asked, "Did I scratch the car" was legally
correct, although I did not volunteer information.
Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a
complete idiot?
Son: From the President of the United States.
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A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise
some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt
and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde
checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,
"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
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A couple went on vacation to a resort up north.
The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the
husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning
and took a nap.
While he slept, the wife decided to take the
boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored
the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls
up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says,
"Reading my book."
The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted
fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied,
"But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write
you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable,
the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied,
"But I didn't even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have
all the equipment!"
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A mother had three daughters and on their
wedding, she tells to each one of them to write back about their marriage
life.
So the first one gets married.. The second day
the letter arrives with a single message.. 'WILLS'
Mother got confused and finally looks the ad,
and it says..
MADE FOR EACH OTHER..
Mother is happy
The same way the second one gets married.
After a week the message arrives .... 'FILTER KINGS' As usual mother looks into the ad, and it says... LIFE SIZE KING SIZE !!
Mother is happy
But after the third one's wedding, only after 4 weeks the message arrives and it says 'BRITISH AIRWAYS' As usual mother looks into the ad, and this time she faints.
THE AD : TWO TIMES A DAY, FOUR TIMES A WEEK, BOTH
WAYS.
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David received a parrot for his birthday. This
parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every
other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say
the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was
constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did anything
he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird
got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally
in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a
few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then
suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have actually
hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped
out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended
you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will
try
to correct my behavior."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued:
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
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A man walks into a T-Shirt store and on the walls
there where three t-shirts on display for sale.
The first row had the picture of Richard Nixon with a thin white mustache and below the picture it was titled: GOT MILK
The second row of shirts were the picture of Ronald Reagan with the white mustache and it was titled: FORGOT MILK
And the third was of Monica Lewinsky with a white
mustache and under her it was titled: NOT MILK
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Guy walks purposefully into a local, sits down
at the bar, and orders twelve shots of scotch. On being served, he
immediately downs them one after the other. The bartender asks, "So,
what's the occasion, mate?"
"I've just had my first blowjob", the man replies.
"Well, that does call for a celebration!" says the barman. "Let me buy you one, too!"
"Nah", the guy says, "if twelve shots didn't get
rid of the taste, one more won't make any difference!"
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Three pregnant women were sitting in a room busily
knitting little jumpers for their unborn children and chatting away.
After a while, the first woman says 'Oh I do hope my little cherub is a
boy because I'm knitting a blue jumper'
The second woman continues the conversation : 'Well, I hope mines a girl because I'm knitting a pink jumper'.
Finally, the third one says : 'I hope mine's a
spastic cos I've fucked up the arms'
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A rookie police officer was assigned to ride
in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio
telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove
to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie
rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially
since this was a bus stop."
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I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't
break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."
"What is she doing?", the pal asks.
"Waiting for me to get home."
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Two old ladies were sitting at the bus stop smoking
cigarettes one day when it started to rain. One of the old ladies pulled
out a condom, cut the tip off and put it over the cigarette.
The other old lady said "Wow, that's a great idea. What is that thing?"
"It's a condom". Replied the old lady.
"Wow- where can I get one of those?"
"Oh, any drug store or grocery store." Replied the old lady. So the next day, the old woman went into a drug store. "Hi," she told the clerk," I would like some condoms please."
The clerk was surprised at the age of the lady.
"Um, what size?" Asked the clerk.
And the old lady replied "Oh, one that would fit a Camel."
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This should be sung to the tune "A Few of My Favorite Things" from the movie "The Sound of Music."
The Bill Clinton version:
Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big
faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things
Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things
Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Coming out fine after having knee surgery,
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things
Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things
When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad
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Jon goes to the local novelty shop and finds
a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced,
but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.
On his way home, Jon puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife, Judi, but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
Jon then says: "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks
for these and they're already broken!"
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Two postal workers had just gotten off their
routes for the day when one of the postal workers saw the other step on
a snail. "Why did you step on that snail, Tom?!," asked his perplexed coworker.
"Cause that darn snail's been following me around
work all day!"
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One bright Sunday morning Cindy and Mark took
their eight year old son, Johnny, to church. They sat right in the
front so Johnny could get all the benefits from church. But as we
know eight year old boys do not like church at all. Especially little
Johnny. Halfway through the pastor's
sermon Johnny fell asleep. The pastor noticed
this, and it was distracting him from preaching. He decided to go
over to Johnny and ask him a question about God.
"Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?"
His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son falling asleep, stuck a pin in her son's right butt cheek.
"GOD!!!!" Cried little Johnny.
"Very good," the pastor replied. For he could not say it was wrong. And he continued on.
But a short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The pastor once again noticed this and decided to ask another question "Who was Mary and Joseph's son?" The pastor asked. Johnny's dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he stuck a pin in his son's left butt cheek.
"JESUS CHRIST!!!!" Yelled Johnny.
And once again the pastor replied "Very good."
Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control himself and fell asleep again. For the last time, the pastor decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard question. "What did Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first day?"
But before Johnny's parents could do anything
Johnny shouted "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING
TO TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF!
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
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30 Things To Do In A Car
1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the
speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio.
Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next
car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window
in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at
the passengerseat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll
doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back,
offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid
look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view
mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of
smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof
onto other cars.
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are
having wild, noisy sex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for
firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow
... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at
them.
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This guy is not getting along so well with his wife and thinks maybe he'd like to have a pet he can get along with. So, he goes to a pet shop in search of a friend. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this;how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers."
"Wow," says guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse wit competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.
"Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 just make an offer."
The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman."
"What?" says the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down..."
The parrot pauses for a long time. "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the parrot, "I fell off my
perch."
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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup
and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!"
he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and
having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his rifle."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a huge grizzly bear appeared in front of him! Terrified, he raised up the umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No"
The doctor continued, "There was a loud explosion, and the bear dropped dead in front of him!"
That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot the bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at......." Replied
the doctor.
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The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.
When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "
The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"
"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . ."
"Yes yes!"
"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"
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A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
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A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win.Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
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A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
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A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck.
He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I do," replied the salesman.
"Are you a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man.
"A Republican," replied the salesman.
"Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off.
The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off.
The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican.
"Democrat!" shouted the salesman.
"Hop in!" replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him - the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!"
She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out. "What's the matter?" she asks.
"I can't take it!" he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to sleep with a woman I've only just met!"
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True-Life Moronic Headlines
Plot to kill officer had vicious side - The Chicago Tribune, September 20
Some phone psychics provide useless, erroneous information - Staten Island Sunday Advance, September 15
Iowa move back to Pittsburgh - The Flint Journal, August 15
Infertility unlikely to be passed on - Montgomery Advertiser, May 11
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link - Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us - Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut - The New York Times, November 22
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find - The Los Angeles Times, November 2
`Light' meals are lower in fat, calories - Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
Alcohol ads promote drinking - The Hartford Courant, November 18
Malls try to attract shoppers - The Baltimore Sun, October 22
Official: Only rain will cure drought - The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men - The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty - Newsday, July 11
Man shoots neighbor with machete - The Miami Herald, July 3
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes - The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows - The New York Times, March 10
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies - The Los Angeles Times, March 2
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future - The Oregonian, January 28
Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning - The Buffalo News, February 26
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold - Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer - Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
Economist uses theory to explain economy - Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
Bible church's focus is the Bible - Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons - Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity - The Chicago Tribune, March 5
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear - Journal of Commerce, April 20
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person - The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
Lack of brains hinders research - The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism - Accusing some of her male colleagues of sexism, Los Angeles Councilwoman Laura Chick lashed out at City Hall of Thursday as [sic] the ``most sexist good-old-boys work environment that I've ever been in.''... - The Los Angeles Times, June 23
Cement Supplies seen as adequate - The Bangkok Post, January 28
How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart - Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
Fish lurk in streams - Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29
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A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know theanswer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakesthe blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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If AOL Were A City
* You'd live in a place where no two people had
the same name.
* You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there,
but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
* Once you got outside, even if you were in a
hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering
you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99
* The commute to work is just a double-click
away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic
knocks you back into your yard.
* 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would
be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.junkmail.com
* The local post office would tell your mother
you're not a known resident.
* The local post office won't forward your mail
to you when you move.
* If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply
a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important
you are to us."
* Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked
out of the store by a bouncer screaming, 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS
STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE.
* Whenever you traveled to other cities, people
would see your license tag and laugh behind your back. * You'd occasionally
be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city
has performed an illegal operation.
* You'd not have any idea who your neighbors
are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox
with garbage, and vacate before sunup.
* The administration would build a huge, state
of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start
demanding
money.
* Upon waking every morning, a voice from above
would shout, "HEY! YOU! YOU WANT AN AOL VISA, DON'T
YOU?" To which you say, "No." The voice then replies, "OK, I'LL ASK
YOU AGAIN TOMORROW."
I awoke this morning to 138 pieces of email.
We hold the following to be
true and self-evident:
* Bill Gates will not give you $1,000 for reading
his mail.
* Disney is not giving $5,000 to 5,000 people.
* Emails that take you to a website and then
you have to click on ridiculous dialogue boxes 25 times to get out of them
are a pain in the ass.
* AOL is never going to drop instant messages,
this would be like your bank getting rid of ATM cards.
* If you are the 10th fowardee of an email joke,
chances are everyone you are sending it to has seen it.
* No one donate money to cancer victims because
you read an email, how would they know??
* AOL will never cancel chat rooms, see number
4.
* If it sounds to good to be true... it is!!!
* Never ever download ANYTHING from a person
you do not know, unless you do not need your hard drive or cmos settings...
it takes less time to turn your computer on and turn a garden hose on it,
and the sparks and burning smell are really kewl.
* If you do not have virus protection go to Keyword:
VIRUS read about how virus's really work and you can get free virus protection
there.
* If a web site offers something at a great price,
has no phone number, and only a PO Box or only online ordering, please
send your money to me instead, I will at least thank you for your money,
they will simply disappear.
* If you must buy from one of the above types
of vendors, at least use a credit card, you will have a 10% chance of getting
your money back when you realize you have been ripped off, and it will
be enjoyable fighting with your credit card company when they refuse
to refund you when they find out the vendor is gone.
* If you get mail from someone that ends with
@aol.com, 99.9999% of the time it did not come from an AOL member.
* If the subject of an e-mail is: Sorry I missed
you in chat, hey you did not answer my mail, why did you sign off, and
you have never heard of the person, chances are it is a link to a porno
website.
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A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As sheneared the top,she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded " What took you so long?" and he replied "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."
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A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
And the minister says, "Just water."
The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
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A newly wed couple were looking to decorate their new house. Whilst bargain hunting, they found an unusual mirror, which the shop owner states is "magical".
The couple buy the mirror, and place it on the back of their bedroom door.
One day the wife decided to test the mirror out, and whilst looking into the mirror said:
"Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my boobs size 44."
And lo and behold it came true! She ran down the stairs to show her husband, who was utterly amazed. He proceeded to run up to the bedroom, and whilst looking in the mirror he said:
"Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my manhood touch the floor."
And then his legs fell off.
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This woman has her bridge club every Thursday
night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to
fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday,
she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices
the time.
"Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.
She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!
Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.
"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's
just yanking your chain,"
but she continued to make him his cat food dinner
and then, afterwards,they would bonk like fiends.
Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass."
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During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occured along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea.
He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general shot him dead. This continued for three days.
A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!"
An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....
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A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first...". This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".
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Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.
When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a <gasp!> -- ashes and broken vase scattering all around.
After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.."
"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal-Mart."
The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..."
"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"
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A WOMAN'S SCHEDULE
1. Get up.
2. Pee.
3. Drink raspberry-cranberry tea.
4. Pee.
5. Apply makeup. Pee first so you don't have
to stop in the middle.
6. Drive to work. Pee at gas station. Complain
about dirty restroom. Go to a different gas station and pee there.
7. Get to work at Burger King. Pee. Wash hands.
8. Lunch. Slimfast. Pee.
9. Arrive home. Pee. Shower. Pee.
10. Promise sex to husband. Pee. Get up in the
middle of sex and pee.
11. Pee. Go to bed. Get up at 3 A.M. waking husband
but instead of giving him head, go and pee.
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A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what thecircumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.
The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test.
Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closedall the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
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There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving a perfect car along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor? (scroll down for the answer)
The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women, take a hike, and let the men finish this
joke.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
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"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"
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A MAN'S SCHEDULE
1. Get up.
2. Pass gas.
3. Drink cup of black coffee.
4. Pass gas.
5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't
work".
6. Pass gas.
7. Log on to computer to check porn site before
leaving for work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site.
6. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open
window to air out car.
7. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom
(for all patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands.
8. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized
fries. Pass gas.
9. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas.
10. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early,
belch and fall asleep.
11. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead
of finishing her off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining
what a stud you are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women" online. Pass
gas.
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A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas.
He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in the South."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!"
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The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said, "Just how much is that watch?"
"It's $2000, ma'am."
"Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?"
"Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?"
"I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."
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His And Hers ATMs
HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from
machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN
number written on it.
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
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For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered
a cake with this inscription:"You are not getting older, You are just getting
better."
Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he
said,"Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just
getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
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My Dog Can Predict When The Phone Will Ring
It's common practice in England to ring a telephone
by signaling extra
voltage across one side of the two wire circuit
and ground. When the
subscriber answers the phone, it switches to
the two wire circuit for the
conversation. This method allows two parties
on the same line to be
signaled without disturbing each other.
Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called
to say that her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called;
and that on the few
occasions when it did ring her dog always barked
first. The telephone
repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to
see this psychic dog.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in
his test set, and dialed
the subscriber's house. The phone didn't
ring. He tried again. The dog
barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. A dog was tied to the telephone system's
ground post via an iron
chain and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would
start barking and urinating
on the ground.
4. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring.
Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.
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A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a
clearing where a young
couple was engaged in oral sex.
"Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's
a very dangerous beast
out there!"
But it was too late, as several of her girls had
more-or-less seen the
deed happening. They asked their leader what
it was the couple was
doing.
"Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were
practicing a brand new
form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's
it, it's artificial
respiration!"
"WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know
which merit badge I'm
gonna try for next!"
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The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods
hunting together when
suddenly a voluptuous blonde girl raced across
their path, totally nude.
"Would I love to eat that? Oui, oui!" the Frenchman said, smacking his lips.
So the Italian shot her.
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