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The Guerilla Guide to Telemarketing Defense Methods 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems."
3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name.
4. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
5. This one works better if you're male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter & Siegel services..." You: Hang on a second. a few seconds' pause Okay, in really husky voice "What are you wearing?" Telemarketer: Click.
6. Cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh, my GOD! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
7. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
9. If they clean rugs: "can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?" Alternate: "sorry, my floor is made of stone."
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh", "Really" or "How fascinating". Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them you couldn't just give out your credit card number to a complete stranger.
11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from WaterTronics." You: "WaterTronics! Hey, I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh...Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather?!?" Telemarketer: "Sorry, we can't sell to employees." You: "Oh, okay. Bye!"
12. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, Shout or scream "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.
13. (Jerry Seinfeld version) Tell the telemarketer you're busy at the moment and if they give you their phone number, you'll call them back. Telemarketer will say "We're not allowed to give out our number". You say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at work, right?". Telemarketer will agree. You say now you know how I feel!" Hang-up.
14. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
15. Tell them it is dinnertime, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
16. Tell them you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could please bring you some beer.
17. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
18. "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
19. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
20. Tell them they will have to speak up...louder...louder...louder...
21. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down. Top 15 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 15. "They told me at the blood bank that this might happen." 14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !" 10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 9. "Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP)learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?" 7. "Aw, man! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 6. "The coffee machine is broke...." 5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 2. "Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands." And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 1. "Amen" |