Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats (excerpts from Harold Reynolds' file of cat rules) If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good. Determine which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. They won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season. If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time. When it becomes time to dislodge a fur ball, choose the dining room at dinner time. When your owner returns home laden with packages, fall down in front of them -- this works best on steps, all the better if the individual is proceeding downward. There is always the chance you may get stepped on, but this usually guarantees a fall and it you milk their guilt that follows it is usually worth it. Should you run into a closed sliding glass door or do anything stupid, never let on as much and go about your business as if "I meant to do that." If you allow a dog to share your domain you are in luck. Should you tatter the drapes or destroy anything for which you fear retribution, wait until your owner (misnomer if there ever was one) is nearby, slap the dog and run for it. Dogs are stupid and will accept blame for anything. If this ruse should fail simply run and hide. No one really expects to catch a cat. Chase, frolic, and run from invisible entities. The why doesn't matter, it is just expected. Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4 a.m. Final Note: ALWAYS walk ON the keyboard!