"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are an obsessive
compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.  If you are codependant please ask
someone else to press 2 for you. If you have multilple personalities please
press 3,4,5 and 6.  If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you
want,
please stay on the line while we trace your call.  If you are delusional,
press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.  If you are
schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number
to press.  If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone
number, date of birth, social security number and mothers maiden name.  If
you have short term memory loss, press 9.  If you have short term memory
loss press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.  If you have low
self esteem, please hang up as all our operators are too busy to speak to
you."