Q: How many men does it take to make popcorn? A: Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the stove. Q: What do electric train sets and woman's breasts have in common? A: Both were intended for children, but it's the father who plays with them. Q: Why does it take six million sperm to find an egg? A: Because none of them will stop and ask directions Ponder this: If a man is walking in the forest, and there is no woman present to hear him speak, is he still wrong? "Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get married, please." "All right, what is your age?" "I'm 22, sir." "And the age of the bride?" "She's 15, sir." "15??? That's too young -- marrying you would be against the law!" "I see, " said the young man. "Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?" The tenor Luciano Pavarotti received a U.N. citation on Tuesday for using his "unique voice" to spread the word of peace. Pavarotti is technically eligible to join the United Nations, since his personal land mass exceeds that of Luxembourg and two other member nations. A new international study of men's repetitive condom failure found that opening the package with a sharp instrument was the most common problem. For instance, be careful with that letter-opener with the Presidential Seal lying on the Oval Office desk. Vietnam said that due to its rat infestation problem, it was ordering its cat restaurants to close and will encourage people to eat rats instead. Did somebody say McDonald's? Sgt. Maj. Gene McKinney, accused of sexual harassment, took the stand in his own defense this week. He was reprimanded by the Judge for answering every single question with "You can't handle the truth! The memory of Trevor Rees-Jones, the sole survivor of the deadly car crash that killed Princess Diana, is coming back in odd ways. He now remembers a white car chasing them, and claims to have seen a second shooter in the grassy knoll. President Clinton plans to announce on Thursday that NASA is naming the first female commander of a space shuttle mission. "For her superior work servicing rockets both before and after blastoff, I am pleased to name Miss Monica Lewinsky ..." Titanic has become the first film in history to pass the $1 billion mark at the worldwide box office. It's so popular, Carnival is now offering a "Horrible Watery Death Cruise" with your host, Captain Jack Kevorkian. Robert De Niro, who was recently alleged to be involved in an international call girl ring, has been deemed by the Vatican to be unsuitable to recite poetry written by Pope John Paul II for a planned CD. Interactive Punch Line Pick 'Em! De Niro has dispatched Joe Pesci to "discuss the matter" with the Holy Father Things that piss me off The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something wrong with it before. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead? When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy? Migraines... A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to make love to her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house." One day, at the end of class, little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story, and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day, the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm, and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck, and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday, we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket, and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy, "Well my dad owns a farm too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend, only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." Last is little Billy, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The Teacher looks in shock at Billy, and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replied, "Yes, ma'am, don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.