Getting Rid Of Bad Dates

1. Repeat every third third word you say say. 

2. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly. 

3. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't
know what they are talking about. 

4. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with
your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds. 

5. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets. 

6. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when
your date begins talking about themselves. 

7. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme. 

8. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant
has any live food. 

9. Without asking, eat off your date's plate.
Eat more from their plate than they do. 

10. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds
of it being placed in front of you. 

11. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to
the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a
different part of the restaurant. Order another meal.
When your date finally finds you, ask him/her
"What took you so long in the restroom?!?" 

12. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere.
Keep bringing the subject up. 

13. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away
from the windows, where you have a good view of
all exits, and where you can keep your back to the
wall. Act nervous. 

14. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs. 

15. Hum. Loudly. In monotone. 

16. Hold a debate. Take both sides. 

17. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn. 

18. Auction your date off for silverware. 

19. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you. 

20. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the
waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few
minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you
"never got." When the waiter returns with another
potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate.
Repeat later in the meal. 

21. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience. 

22. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you
return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on
the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need
airing out. 

23. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing
on the menu. Take one bite. 

24. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt. 

25. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table.
Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time,
taking advantage of the free refills. 

26. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little
pieces. In a similar vein, insist that he take a bite
of everything on the plate, to make sure no one
poisoned it. 

27. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along. 

28. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.