General thoughts on the Human Condition
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If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on
base.-Dave Barry

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to
me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm
thinking, 'I should hope  not? If I don't want you, why
would I want someone like you?' -- Larry Miller

What do people mean when they say the computer  went down on
them? -- Marilyn Pittman

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that
someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal
family? -- Robin Williams

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her
new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her
dad.-Christopher Case

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her
out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,
they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' -- Paula
Poundstone

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's
you.-Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a
pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt
with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your
biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before
you do the wash.-Jerry Seinfeld

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years
without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for
them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to
fight with? Not much of a weapon there - Corkscrews, Bottle
openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy
in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.'-Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Gosh.... I could
be eating a slow learner.-Lynda Montgomery

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography.-Paul Rodriguez

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying,
but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?  -- Lily
Tomlin

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not
color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips
end.-Jerry Seinfeld

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up
quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What
is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? -- Warren
Hutcherson

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him
spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player.
-Marsha Warfield

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be
thinking up something else."-Lily Tomlin

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and >hey always
say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On
fire? -- Marsha  Warfield

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is
an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? --
George Carlin

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -Rita
Rudner

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some
fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some
fries with that?"-Jay Leno

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes  they
would not be caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots
wore helmets.-Dave Edison

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching
television by candlelight. -George Gobel

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to
the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a
hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents.
-William Coronel

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-Oscar Wilde

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member
of Congress ... But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain