The Top 16 Signs Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You
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16> Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. 
15> Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
14> He actually does have your tongue. 
13> You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch. 
12> Cyanide pawprints all over the house. 
11> You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed. 
10> As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a
faint whiff of catnip. 
9> Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM." 
8> Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking
at me? Mew looking at me?" 
7> Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on. 
6> You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse
chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
5> Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper. 
4> Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
3> Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose. 
2> You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" which says "LEEV AWL 2 KAT." 
1> Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.